Hope Is A Good Thing

       I got to thinking the other day about our dreams. As a kid you get to enjoy more of the little things in life...coloring outside the lines, watching your favorite cartoons, and dreaming of being an astronaut, a famous painter, or the lead singer in the next hit rock band. Remember that?

       We tend to grow up with these high hopes of our dreams becoming a reality. Even when we are older and most of us attend college or start a trade we don’t see it coming - the truth. I remember being in college and getting my public relations degree thinking I was going to one day work at Food Network doing special events and coordinating their PR. This hope was still alive as I sat on the train one rainy Saturday afternoon heading into NYC. I had a plan.

       I had researched on the internet for days about who was a good person to contact at Food Network. I forget his name but he was a human resources director. I placed my well-written resume and witty cover letter in a fancy manilla envelope and sealed it shut. Aware of my not so wonderful handwriting, I slowly addressed the envelope making sure it was my best penmanship. “Perfect”, I thought to myself.

       The train arrived in NYC. It was raining but my spirits were high as I strutted to the Avenue of Americas with my best professional outfit I had in my closet at the time on and my favorite pair of black leather high heels. As I entered the building and the security officer greeted me at the door, he asked the reason for my visit. “Important correspondence for Mr. (X)” I said, smiling and somewhat nervous he was going to tell me to fuck off. After a couple seconds of hesitation “Alright, third floor to the left” he said.

       As I arrived on the third floor and I saw the shiny silver Food Network sign on the wall, I walked up to the woman at the front desk and handed her my “important correspondence” (aka my resume). I said “Make sure Mr. X receives this, I will be following up with him this week.” 

       Confident my plan worked, I headed back to Penn Station with all the hope in the world that I would get a call...But that call never came. I left Mr. X a message a week later, like I promised the woman at the front desk I would, and still no call back.

       The thing is (which I’m sure is no shock to any of you) is that not everything goes your way and not all your “dreams” will come true in life. After graduating and returning home, I took a job at a Fortune 500 pharmaceutical company and 2 years later, I left there to pursue the next step in my career and I landed a job at a publishing company where I currently work. 

       Since starting my first “big girl job” at the pharmaceutical company about 3 years ago now, I grew up, I matured, I lost some old friends, I gained some new friends, I went through a bad breakup, I started this blog that I love, I finally pursued music after many years of people telling me to, and I met and fell in love with the greatest guy I could ever ask for. I moved in with that great guy, we got an awesome dog, I bought myself a new car and continue to add aspirations to my “to-do” list...just because.

       Needless to say, I gave up on my Food Network dream and replaced it with my dream of being a published author or a known blogger, and pursuing music to see what could happen.

       The blogging part is easy on my budget. It’s free, I make my own schedule to work on it, and it makes me happy. Making music has helped me grow, it honestly makes me proud of myself and excited to be able to share something with other people. The reality of it though is that paying for my college loans, my car, my bills, along with trying to save for vacations and a future home with J...well, it’s difficult to dish out $75 an hour for a studio.

       Despite the financial burdens of pursuing my love of making music, I will not give it up. Lucky for me I’ve met some talented people who are willing to help me out (I’m planning to make a trip soon to go record a few songs with some of them and I also just finished shooting a music video, etc). Essentially, although it is not happening at a rapid pace, I am making it happen piece by piece. 

       But as I sat at my desk at work the other day and stared off, zoning out at my different colored folders stacked neatly in a pile, white printer paper with many different “reminders” and “pending” projects to complete, rate sheets, Excel print outs, post-it notes, and your standard blue and black pens...I thought to myself, “Could this be it?”

       I mean think about it, you see people who have worked at their desk jobs for 5, 10, 15, 20 years. Is this wrong? No. But think back to when you were a kid. The same kid watching Sunday morning cartoons, coloring and dreaming of being the next big musician or actor or chef. Even when you were in college sitting in a then “pointless” Art History lecture, just knowing that when you got that diploma - that piece of paper that cost you $85,000...that you could THEN get out there in the real world and make a difference. I mean, we all thought that at one point. I know I did.

       Would your inner kid and college student look down on you now and be disappointed? No one wants to hear this, but sometimes you’re not making the “difference” you thought you would be...and instead you find yourself just making a paycheck.

       As I was wondering all of this at my desk, waiting for the clock to hit 4:30 so I could get home to make dinner, it hit me...I very well may never be a famous blogger or writer and perhaps no one who could change my course of life will ever hear any of my music. I might just be left with a couple of my songs in the shuffle of a few of my friends iTunes playlists and some YouTube videos online. And hey, not many people can say that...so I guess I’m alright with that too. Those are things I will have forever. 

       That’s the funny thing about life, not everything is about talent or passion. Yes, it is a requirement to making your dreams come true, but it is not the entirety of it. Talent, passion and the final ingredient...luck. Sure, people like Bobby Flay, Quentin Tarentino and Robert De Niro could drop out of high school and still become super stars, but they are the lucky ones. Having the right talent, knowing the right people, being at the right place at the right time.

       Shit, if everyone got lucky there would be no casinos in Vegas, there would be no NJ Lottery, there would be no contests. Your dreams in life are like a casino. Many people go there with high hopes of being the next big winner, and hell, you could be the best Black Jack player in the world...but we all know the house usually wins. And if we all are well-aware that the house usually wins...why do we still go? The hope of winning. The hope of beating the odds. Like the great quote from Shawshank Redemption goes - “Hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies.” 

       So my advice is go out there and follow your dreams. No matter how big or small. At the very least, whatever it is you dream, keep it in your life. I love to write and make music...and I may never have a NY Times best-selling book or a Billboard 100 hit song, but I’ll have my passions alive and I’ll ensure that they are playing a special role in my life. 

       The moral of the story is, keep your dreams alive...but just in case you wake up and you’re 45 or 50 or whatever age it is that you realize that your big dream didn’t actually come true or work out...just be happy you’re alive and that you are still able to paint or write or sing or cook or play guitar. Whatever it is you do, be happy you can still do it for yourself. Be happy you tried, be happy you have a talent or a passion you love that you can keep with you forever. Save your drawings, save your songs, save that screenplay you wrote in college. It’s worth a lot more than you think. If you do this, no matter what age it is that you wake up and have this realization...you can be satisfied with your efforts.

       Just know that perhaps life had a different path for you, perhaps we were meant to work a 9-5 and be a good mom, or a good husband, or a good volunteer, or good business person. The reality of life is we can’t all be Picassos, De Niros, Madonnas or walk on the moon. And I realized...that is completely okay. 

The Keys To Happiness

       Many business experts have written about the “keys to success.” But of course, I got to thinking of something different. I felt that being truly happy is the real definition of succeeding in life. I decided this was a topic I could not provide advice just on my own, so I took to my Facebook page, where I opened the lines for people to give me their advice and tips on what they truly feel to be the real “keys to happiness.”

       I had a good amount of responses so I attempted to group them together into similar ideas. Here is what you thought:

       What do you think are the keys to happiness?

The debate is over, the glass is half full! 
       Many people responded to my loaded question with the notion of being positive. The idea that happiness is up to looking on the brighter side of things and not focusing on the negatives. Perhaps we can be happier in life simply with how we view the world? Some thought this was the key element to happiness. One of my friends put it quite well saying, “when you come across a situation take a minute, slow down, think about things and bring something positive to the table. Always look for the positive, take your time in life, sit back and look at all the beauty that it has to offer. Most of all just let the positivity flow all day everyday.” With all the negativity that can come around in life, it may be in our best interest to just focus on the positive and good. I have found that any dark night has a star lighting up the sky, any rain drop can lead to a flower, and any hard situation can make you a better person. So perhaps it isn’t the debate of whether the glass is half empty or full, but perhaps it may be better to just focus on the fact that there is simply something in it.

Don’t sweat the small stuff, enjoy them

       People also focused on the importance of appreciating the little things in life. As some of us may be too busy with our lives to stop once in a while and enjoy something on a smaller scale. Considering life consists of many of these little things each and every day, I thought it was a great addition to the list. Be grateful for your significant other’s smile in the morning, the laugher you have with a friend, watching your dog run around frantically chasing after her tail, watching a movie on a rainy day, taking your Dad out to dinner, spending time with family. Whatever these little things are for you...make sure they aren’t passing you by.

Love a dub dub
       This one may seem obvious for some, and not so much for others. This can come in many forms. Love in your relationship, friendships, family, and the love you have for yourself! “The key to happiness is learning to love yourself”, one person said. As cliche as it sounds, love does make the world go round, and you’d be surprised what spreading a little love can really do. I find it is truly good for the soul. As far as love being one of the keys to happiness, someone put it perfectly, “it is the simplest one and the most important”. 

What do you like to do? 
       Everyone likes to say they enjoy “hobbies”, but do we really have any? According to the wonderful folks who responded, this is a vital key to happiness! Considering our focused pursuit to happiness will at times get side-tracked by stress, anxiety, fear, pressure, sadness, and the rest, it is these hobbies that will be our much needed relief at times, when needing to forget problems or just simply relax and take a load off. Many people said that whatever interests you, whether it is cooking, music, art, writing, painting, reading, etc, that you should ensure to “dedicate a significant amount of time to it” and “do them as often as you can to keep your mind and body in tune.” I concur!

Dear Stress,

Fuck off.

Sincerely, Personal Management 
       So we all know stress likes to come up and bite us in the ass. Are we managing it right? With all the stress and pressure life can put on you, it is important to note that stress management is a key to happiness. Why? Well not only did many of you include this in your list, but I mean let’s face it, stress is inevitable and it’s up to us to not let it consume our life or on a smaller scale, our day. As one person put it, “life is all about managing situations and being able to adapt and change with the eps and flows of life.” Managing situations, indeed. Just make sure to do whatever you can to relieve yourself of unnecessary stress - wake up on time for work, give yourself extra time to get to your doctor’s appointment, write shit down so you don’t forget, don’t blow your money at the bar when you know you have your car payment due next week. In general, whatever IS in your control, please make it work in your favor. Let yourself de-stress, so you’re not in distress.

You are who you hang with 
       Newsflash! All these years, our parents were right. The people you associate with affect not only your happiness but your life! A few of you mentioned that good friendships are very important to one’s happiness and it is the “quality of friendships and not the quantity.” And many of you stated the importance of keeping good, positive, and like-minded people around you. As one person put it, “Get rid of the people that aren’t having a positive influence on your life. Eliminating other people’s craziness/immaturity/negativity can improve your overall morale and outlook.” [For more of my insight on this please see the “How Full Is Your Bucket” entry. ;) ]

       There were many notable items that people mentioned that didn’t necessarily fall into any special category but I felt were equally important when coming up with our keys to happiness. They are as follows:

-”Animal companionship”

-”Being confident in yourself”

-”Looking & feeling healthy”

-”Work to pay for the things you like to do and want because no matter how much you like your job, it’s still work and should not define you.”

-”Have realistic goals and achieve them!”

-”A balance of caring what other people think and how I’m perceived but also not taking it TOO seriously and not caring about what TOO many other people think.

-”This may sound cliche and cynical and I’d love to go in a different more noble direction, but the more and more I think about it and the older I get the more I believe it to be the simple truth. Money”

-”Securing your physical and mental and/or emotional strength”

-”Honesty”

-”Live logically. Base your decisions off of one question “Does this shit make sense? If not, chances are you shouldn’t do it. People tend to complicate life by adding rules and guidelines (religion, politics, etc) that are usually based off of archaic ways of thinking. Just do what you know is right, and things tend to turn out for the better.”

       One person answered my question with a single famous quote that they try to live by:

“The problem often not discovered until late in life, is that when you look for things in life like love, meaning, motivation, it implies they are sitting behind a tree or under a rock. The most successful people in life recognize, that in life they create their own love, they manufacture their own meaning, they generate their own motivation.”

The Keys to Happiness, according to me.

(You didn’t think I’d leave you hanging without my side of this story, now did you?)

In case you were wondering what my keys are... Here’s my list (so far):

No over-thinking!

       I have a very active and detailed mind. This helps me excel at work and my music and writing, but can burden me in other areas of life. I work every day at improving myself and making sure I am spending time thinking about the things that are worthy of my thoughts and will benefit me for the better. (Work in progress!) So make sure to not over think things in your life. As I learned in college, KISS: Keep It Simple, Stupid.

Ah, Outlets. 
       I don’t think I’d be the same person if I didn’t have the time to spend on singing and writing my music and writing this blog.These are highly important outlets for me in life, they not only help me vent and use my creativity, but every time I get to write and record music or every time I hit “post” on Facebook for people to read my blog...I have a feeling of happiness that is indescribable. I truly love it. I believe our passion in life comes from doing things we are passionate about. Find what you truly love to do, ask it to marry you, and never get distant or divorced.

Throw yourself a bone! 
       Believe it or not, I am my biggest critic! And from many conversations with people, it seems to be a popular trend among many of us. Sometimes we don’t cut ourselves some slack! We have a lot more to be proud of than we think. Stop beating yourself up and give yourself a Goddamn pat on the back.

Love is in the air 
       I know I’ve written a lot about my relationship with J, our life here and our cute dog we have, but this is a serious and vital part of my happiness. Not everyone will get the chance at experiencing true love, but I am so happy and grateful that I have the luxury. In my opinion, life is so much better with the right plus one. Having someone to make me laugh every day, to tell me everything will be okay when I’m upset, to hug me at the end of a stressful day at work, to fix the sink when I would have no fucking idea what I would do, to take the dog out when I’m too tired in the morning, to say “I love you” every night before falling asleep...these things enrich my life and make me appreciate the little things that are oh so important. J is one of the key elements in my happiness and I make sure to thank him every day. So whether your kind of love comes from a relationship, friend, or family member, make sure you thank them for the important role they play in your life.

I’m picking up good vibrations... 
       I know we touched on this above, but being positive is a key element in my opinion as well. Although staying positive in the midst of some not so positive stuff can be hard, it is something that must be focused on in order to keep our sanity. Even though some situations call for some ‘realism’, as I like to call it, looking at life on the brighter side can do nothing but wonders.

Dolla dolla bills ya’ll 
       One of my respondents above had mentioned that although it may not seem like the most noble route, that money is indeed the true key to happiness. I will agree it is ONE of the keys and I would like to think it falls into a list and doesn’t just stand by itself. That being said, I know for damn sure I am much more happy when I can pay my bills on time, buy my boyfriend that gift I wanted to get him, pay for dinner when taking my parents out to eat, and not having to knock some items off the grocery list because I don’t have enough money that week. Money is vital. For example, when you get sick, isn’t it nice to have enough money to run to Walgreens or Rite Aid and stock up on cough drops, throat spray, tissues, ice packs, and that ridiculously priced cough medicine? Some people don’t have that luxury, and yes, I can assure you it would make them happier if they did. And that’s a very small example, money can not only allow you to perform necessary tasks in life, but it can allow you to do fun things to make you happy. Like Daniel Tosh once said, “Have you ever seen a sad person on a WaveRunner?!” So work hard, save money, and be proud when you can slide your card at the store confidently, knowing you didn’t just overdraw your account. Cha-ching! 

Bark, Bark, Woof, Woof 
       Although Jade (our dog) can be the biggest pain in the ass sometimes (the 4 AM wake ups to take her outside when I have work at 8, the uncalled for random poops at the public park in front of people when I made sure she was good to go before we left, the random energetic sprints across the apartment which ends in her knocking over my freshly filled glass of iced tea, and leaving her trail of food all around her bowl instead of IN it) she is the source of a lot of extra happiness and laughter in our home. I guess J and I are lucky that we spent the time training her and she is a great dog, but there are so many days we laugh hysterically at stuff she does or just days it is extra relaxing because she’s laying down near us as we watch a movie. Dogs are not only cute, cuddly, and great companions, they are forgiving, they don’t hold grudges, they don’t hate, they don’t judge, and they are the TRUE definition of unconditional love...we can learn a lot from them.

How full is your bucket?

       I’ve mentioned this before and I’ll say it again. Surround yourself with good people. Have in depth conversations, pick people’s brains, learn from those who are more experienced and more knowledgable. Spend time associating with people who have values, high standards, positive perspectives and respect for others. Make good friends who care about you and those who you care about. These types of people “fill” your bucket in life, while others can drain it. Make sure you are surrounding yourself with bucket-fillers or you might find yours screaming for water.

       Finally, one person told me “life is as easy as you make it.” And although this seems to be a simple statement, I find there is a huge amount of truth to this.

       So no matter what your keys are, make sure you are using them wisely and more importantly, let those who may not know them, in on your secret! Share the wealth, as they say.

       You know, I kind of laugh at those books you see about the “keys to success” because I think they had it wrong all along. There was no need for an in-depth analysis on your career, how to build your resume, how to excel at the work place, how to save for retirement, how to get the gold watch, the logistics of a 401K, or how to create a table in Microsoft Word. There was no need for 350 pages, highly-ranked publishers, flashy hard covers or 60,00 print copies. All they needed was one page and one sentence: “The key to success is happiness.”

Always Wake Up Early...

       I got inspired last week by a speech they played on the radio during the daily morning show I listen to on my way to work. It was not even 7 AM yet, and I sat at the red light, no cars on the road, and I turned up the volume on my radio as I listened to this man giving “life advice”. They somehow made it into a song. Anyway, I found myself moved by it and of course, inspired to write a blog entry and perhaps share with everyone my own version of “life advice.”

       To all of those truly living life, which I certainly hope is everyone...here are some things to live by. None of them may have any hard evidence, scientific background, or research conducted on them, but I can only share advice on my own experiences. If there was one piece of advice I would give, above all else, it would be to wake up early. Those who are sleeping cannot get anything done, you will have a jump start not only to your day, but you’ll also never run late for work. Don’t be afraid to be emotional or open with others, even strangers, for these people will relate to you and most of all, remember you...and no one wants to be forgotten. Celebrate your successes, but not too much, for not every card you will be dealt will result in a full house. When you fail, admit it, take it in, and write down what the fuck not to do again. Get enough sleep. Save old photographs, because even if you have a great memory, nothing replaces seeing those awkward outfits from high school or the first date you had with the love of your life. Remember your college friends, for they taught you more about yourself than you’ll ever really be able to thank them for. Don’t dwell, whether it’s on the past or the future or the next minute...dwelling occupies your mind when you can be planning an adventure, being creative, or even just cleaning your kitchen counters. Record yourself singing a song you love. Hell, sing in the shower from time to time. There is nothing closer to rocking out Madison Square Garden than singing loudly in your shower as you lather up your luffa. Don’t let a day go by that you don’t tell your significant other that you love them, because one day you’d wish you had told them every passing moment. Let go of grudges and hold tightly to good memories. Pay your bills on time. Don’t watch beauty shows, for they never make you feel good about yourself, and they are as fake as they seem. Instead, look in the mirror and feel confident. Cry during a sad movie, no one is judging you. Wear your heart on your sleeve, just make sure it’s a flattering shirt. Laugh hard, until your stomach hurts. Get drunk with an old friend and make new memories. Never forget where you came from, because without it, you’d never get to where you are going. Sign yourself up for karaoke at a crowded bar. Buy yourself flowers. Congratulate someone on their accomplishments. Generally do right by others, because what they say about karma is true, it can certainly be a bitch. Smile. Old friends may disappear and new ones may come in, but hold on to the few true ones that have stayed present in your life throughout all the changes. Say yes more often, because no’s tend to close doors, decrease opportunity, or leave you wondering ‘what if’. Eat a greasy, fat, cheeseburger and don’t feel guilty afterwards. Read that book you always wanted to read but never made time to. Go to the gym. Tell your family you love them, for they will not always be around. Be nice to strangers, because you never know if they will be a future boss, friend, or a person driving by you as you need help changing your flat tire. Respect other people’s opinions. Follow at least one of your dreams, whether it’s being a parent or being a rock star...pursue it, you’ll thank me later. Drink lots of water, it’s good for your face. Always have extra toilet paper. Be thankful for your heartbreaks, those who decided to betray you have strengthened your skin, made you tough, and helped you appreciate the better things that come along. Wash your face every night. Always carry chap stick, no one likes rough lips, and you never know when you’ll be getting an unexpected smooch. Treat yourself once in a while, I know your bills are a large expense, but fuck it, buy yourself that fancy watch or those pair of heels you’ve been wanting. Moisturize. Remember those you’ve lost, for they left imprints in your heart for a very special reason. Take vitamins. Don’t forget to cut yourself some slack sometimes, you’ve been doing better than you think. Never wear wrinkled clothes, you look messy for christ sake. Own a dog. Eat every type of food you possibly can and improve your palette. Do your laundry once a week. Thank those who are honest with you, because sometimes whether good or bad, it’s nice to hear the truth. Always have napkins or tissues in your car. Strive to inspire others, for they may give you some unexpected inspiration of your own. Never give up on love and happiness. Be supportive of other people’s ambitions. Give good advice to others, some people could really use it. Never go to sleep angry. Be thankful for nostalgia, for remembering how you felt at a certain time in your life or what it was like being at a certain place. Nostalgia is an amazing, beautiful feeling of good memories that signals happiness in your brain...these memories make us grateful for living a good life. Live a good life. But I’m serious about that waking up early thing...it gives you more time in the day, and more time to take over the world.

Thanks Life

       As some of you may know, I started a new job about 2 weeks ago now. This job is more on the career path I want to be on, it came with better salary and benefits, great people, and is at a thriving family-owned company. One of my favorite parts about it is that it’s no more than 12 minutes from my apartment. This privilege allows me to drive home for an hour lunch break everyday and take care of our dog and relax before heading back to finish the second half of the day.

       So last week I was heading back to work from my break and little did I know my good mood would soon turn into the most annoyed mood I’ve been in in a while. As I approached this light down my street, I got in the left lane to make a left. While the light was red, I lifted my iPhone up for a moment to check the time and see if I had any messages and I quickly placed the phone down as the light turned green. As soon as I turned left, there was a young cop riding my ass. Shocking, I know. I didn’t think much of it until I realized he was pulling me over.

       I had no clue what the problem was as I pulled to the side of the main road and put my hazard lights on. I grabbed my registration and insurance card out of my glove box before the cop even got to my window. As he approached, I turned off my radio and pulled my black sunglasses up on my head. When I handed him my information I asked the per usual question “Is everything alright, officer?”

“You can’t be on your phone.”

“Be on my phone? I wasn’t on my phone, I glanced at it at the red light to check the time for work and that was it.”

       He sarcastically went on to ask me if my car clock was not sufficient enough as I went on to explain that it indeed changes the time every now and again and I had to make sure I’d be back at work on time (which ironically now I would not be due to this bullshit.) 

       After taking his sweet time back in his car writing me a completely unfair ticket for using a cell phone, I sat in my car taking deep breaths so I would not get a sudden urge to tell this cop to go drive his car off the fucking Grand Canyon.

       The longer I sat there as people drove passed rubbernecking me, the more irate I became. Once he returned with my cell phone ticket, I simply smiled as he explained “you can’t be texting or even looking at your phone.” Then I closed my window as he walked back to his car. As I drove the rest of the way to work (already late) I became more and more angry, considering the fact that I haven’t gotten pulled over in like 3 years and haven’t gotten any kind of ticket in like 5. Not to mention I didn’t really do anything wrong. I wish I was at least talking on the phone or something, then I would have understood. Luckily, my boss understands the cops around here and totally related to my story.

       Anyway, as the day grew on I became more annoyed at the cop for screwing me over so he could look good, I fantasized about how I would go to court and fight the ticket, what I would say, what I would wear, and how I’d print up my phone and text records to show I was not utilizing the phone in that fashion. For the next while, I obsessed over this. The next day, as I prepared for an important meeting with my boss and the Senior Vice President of the company I’m working for, it dawned on me...I’m being tested right now.

       Yes, the ticket got under my skin and yes I’ll have to pay an unreasonable amount of money, and yes I’ll have to move on with my week, my work, and my life. Things could SURELY be worse. The universe is testing my patience and strength, am I passing?

       If you think about it, life is a series of tests. You get into a fender bender on your way home from a rough day at work, you get sick right before a concert you spent a decent amount of money on the tickets for, you wake up and glance at your alarm clock that you realize didn’t go off as you spring out of bed running late for work, you wind up working at the same office as your ex-girlfriend’s new guy (awkward!), you spent an hour at the grocery store and drove all the way home before remembering that you walked out without the main thing you went in for, you spill coffee on your pants as you’re driving to go on a hot date, you’re unhappy on a certain morning and have to deal with trying to look happy for the rest of the day, you’re angry and have to try to calm yourself down, or you’re stressed from all the external things this life throws in our direction. How are you dealing with it? Are you stressing yourself out more or are you being your own supporter? 

       The funny thing is most of these “tests” life gives us are challenges. Most of the tests are testing your stress level, your patience, your knowledge, your strength, your passion, your self control, your ability to move on, your awareness, your confidence, your maturity, your ability to learn, and much more. The ironic part about it is that life may provide the tests, but you are the one who gets to grade them.

       Just like with me and my recent ticket experience, I could have chosen to go to court and take time off from my new job to go and pursue some asshole cop who had nothing better to do. He is not worth it and it is not worth it. By the time I drove over there, paid the court fees, and the money I’d lose taking off from work, I’m better off paying the ticket and relieving myself of any hassles. Karma, I need you to step in on this one for me. What’s the lesson of this test? ...Letting it go.

       I’ve learned that it’s not so much grading yourself on the tests presented to you, but more so finding the valuable lessons behind them.

       Sometimes you fail to appreciate success, you lose so you can understand the joy of winning, sometimes problems arise so you can learn to let them go, or you get heartbroken to build up strength, sometimes you forget something important so you’ll always remember it, or you get too much piled on your plate so you can learn how to manage, sometimes people will hurt you so you can be a better judge of character, or people may pop up in your life that you rather not see so you can showcase your grace and maturity, and sometimes certain things will pressure you so you learn how to adapt and overcome. 

       So despite the stress, pressure, worries, angry moments, sadness, awkwardness, breakdowns, shutdowns and meltdowns...sometimes you just have to keep in mind life is testing your limits. And when appropriate, throw your hands up and sarcastically scream out “THANKS LIFE!”

       No matter what is testing you recently, remember you get to give yourself a gold star or mark your life up with those all too familiar red marks and make some adjustments. More importantly, keep in mind that within every test lies a lesson.

We Live In The Golden Age

       I watched the Oscars for the first time in years this year. Given the fact that I am obsessed with movies (in another life I swear I was an actress and director), I vowed to watch the entire thing from start to finish. Luckily J watched it with me. 

       I could go into the meaning of movies and how much I appreciate them but I’ll save that for another entry. The one thing I took from watching the Oscars was a new list of movies that J and I needed to watch. Although we watched a lot of them, there were a few that we didn’t even know were out this past year.

       So we watched several movies over the next few days. And we finished one recently that really got me thinking. “Midnight in Paris” was it’s title. Now, this movie was nothing necessarily overly spectacular but it was one of the most unique movies I’ve seen in a while. Uniqueness and originality are two very important aspects to me when critiquing a film (sometimes I think I’m Siskel and Ebert wrapped into one small Puerto Rican girl.)

       I’ll try not to go into too much detail, as to not spoil it for some of you who may want to see it. But this movie resinated with me because it wasn’t after a book, it wasn’t a “part 2” to another movie, it wasn’t after a comic or a remake of an old film...it was it’s own kind. Kudos to Woody Allen.

       One of the main concepts of the movie was the idea of “living in a golden age.” Think of the person you know that wishes they lived in another era. Like that one guy who constantly talks about how he was supposed to be born in the 60’s so he can smoke weed in his parents basement and wear bell bottom jeans. We all know these types of people. Well, the star in this film was one of those people, only he wanted to live in the 20’s in Paris. 

       Granted, I know we all have studied or researched a period in time or location and wondered what it would be like to live there or want to be living during that time...but what about now? Although the movie doesn’t show the character to be ungrateful for the present, it did get me thinking...why do some of us take the present for granted?

       So many of us let time go by doing our mundane routines, paying our electric bill, taking out the trash, going to the gym, washing our car, driving to work...hey, don’t forget to stop once in a while and enjoy the sun shining on your face, that good song on the radio, or that feeling when you drive with your windows down on a warm day. This is something I need to learn to do more often myself. We get so caught up in the stresses from work, our relationships with people, our family, our problems, our bills, and our worries. We dwell on things from our past, we hope and wish for things in the future and we completely forget about living in the now. Are we completely missing the the fact that in 100 years, the time we are living in now will be someone else’s “golden age” to live in? Let’s enjoy it!

       Many of us “escape” the present by focusing on the future or dwelling on or missing things from the past. This makes us completely lose the enjoyment of the present moment. Not only that but we have become accustomed to the thinking of “when THIS happens...then I’ll do THAT.” The dreaded syndrome that leaves you never accomplishing anything because you want everything in it’s perfect place. Like one of my favorite quotes says “If you wait to do everything until you’re sure it’s right. You’ll probably never do much of anything.” -Win Borden

       I’m not saying don’t take care of your daily responsibilities all together, to not be ambitious about the future, or to not remember the past that has made you who you are...but what I am saying is that we need to live more in the present than any other place. Because the present is the only time that is promised. The past is forever gone, unchangeable, and the future is too mysterious for anyone to try to figure out. So let us all take a deep breath and leave the burdens of the future and past behind. Don’t you feel that weight lifted off your shoulders?

       The good thing about life is we get to shape our own movie. We are the main characters, and to a degree, we choose how the storyline will develop, who gets killed off and who survives to the end, who co-stars and who is an extra. We get to choose what outfits we will get to prance around in during our scenes, what parts to tell our brains to “edit” out, what moments we want to pause and remember, and what times we rather fast forward through. We get to choose what stud or princess steals our heart, what lines we will have, and what soundtrack will play during our end credits.

       We will never be able to take a time machine back in time or flash forward to the future. So let’s enjoy the age we live in, the age of now. For now is the most golden age of them all. And now is the only chance we get to film our movie and make it be memorable, something we can be proud of, and perhaps have it be a true classic.

       Contrary to some people’s belief, happy endings don’t just happen in the movies. All of our lives can have happy endings...We just have to film it correctly. 

The Dog Days Are Over

       Have you ever had good news and went to share it with people and found yourself in the middle of a lecture or suddenly amongst some “Debbie Downers”?

       Well this happened to me the other day at work. I mean, I see these people everyday, we laugh, we complain, we do business, we go to meetings, we collaborate, we work together, we get through deadlines, etc. So of course I feel comfortable letting them know some good news...Who wouldn’t?

       About a month ago, my boyfriend “J” & I seriously began discussing getting a puppy. We both had the desire to get one, especially me, since I’ve never had a dog before. When we began our search we weren’t quite sure how it would go. But eventually we found a dog we wanted, we found a reputable breeder, picked a color, and eventually found our puppy, Jade.

       Since the only place we could find the color and specific breed we were looking for was all the way in California, Jade would have to be a trooper and be flown over to us. So after dropping the money on her (PayPal comes in handy for these types of transactions), we started preparing for her arrival. And yes, it is strangely similar to preparing for the arrival of a child. We went and bought her food (top of the line), treats, toys, a bed to sleep on, blankets, shampoo, and the list goes on. Everything was in it’s place.

       We decided to not tell anyone about our purchase since we know how some people will give you the “lecture” and the list of precautions. Honestly, we just wanted to make our own decision and not hear much else about it until the deed was done.

       So where was I? ...Oh right, telling my co-workers the good news. Well I was in a meeting at the time where there were several older folks, people married with kids, etc. Let’s just say, I was the youngest of the bunch. As we sat for a few moments waiting on the next topic to discuss, I decided to share my good news with them. 

       “Want to see a picture of the puppy my boyfriend & I are getting?” 

       I showed everyone the most adorable picture, just waiting for their “ooos” and “ahhhs”. I mean, who doesn’t get a soft heart from a cute little puppy picture?! 

       Suddenly I found myself in a tsunami of Negative Nancy’s.

       “Oh well it’s a huge responsibility ya know!”

       “I have 2 kids and a dog and the dog is the worst one to deal with!”

       “Just make sure it doesn’t bite your neighbors or anything like that”

       “I guess you and your boyfriend must be pretty serious for such a commitment?”

       “Oh, to be young and naive” 

       I sat there stupefied. I was completely not ready for the line of fire I just received. They just answered me like I told them I just turned 18 and I was adopting a terminally ill child from Ethiopia and then off to get married to a 50 year old alcoholic on a whim....I’m 25, I’m in a happy relationship with my boyfriend that I love and live with, and we’re getting a fucking dog. The world will continue to turn. Young and naive? More like young, happy, and getting a dog. 

       I was angered at first. Although I told a lot of people in my department about the dog initially and got a lot of positive feedback and happiness, this small event at this meeting really bugged me. “How could people be so annoying?” “What the hell is their problem?”

       Not only did I stand up for myself, letting them know that their aggravation with their own pet situation is most likely due to their poor training and the dog’s lack of exercise. And that obviously I am aware of the “responsibility” considering I’m not 12 and am fully capable of making a decision on my very own. Also, those with children probably understood the fact that having kids was a “huge responsibility” and that didn’t stop them from having any right?

       It then dawned on me, these people were just somewhat miserable with their own lives and were not even self-aware that they were showing it blatantly with their reaction and comments toward someone else’s good news! I quickly analyzed that someone was having a bad day at work, not happy in their own relationship/marriage, was frustrated with their own pet, or something similar.

       It’s like telling someone the good news that you’re getting married and they answer with “Ohhhh, that marriage thing, just be careful.” Obviously they don’t have a liking for marriage, or are in one they wish they weren’t. Why pay these types of people any mind?

       After my aggravation had subsided, I suddenly found it to be a quite humorous “experiment”. I went around telling anyone who would listen that I was getting this cute adorable little puppy. As I analyzed their reactions, I gained respect only for those being positive in their responses. 

       I learned a valuable lesson: Next time someone rains on your parade of good news, brush it off, knowing that this reaction is just a slight strain of jealousy, unhappiness, a bad day, or simply just their lack of true happiness for others. And I’m not talking about your parents giving you a lecture about what to watch out for in life. I’m talking about telling certain people you know a bit of good news and getting a more than undesirable reply. Misery certainly does love company, so please don’t bother inviting me over.

       Most likely, more than half the people you interact with will be of this nature. And don’t be surprised, sometimes it will be your own friends or even your own family. But you must realize that is not necessarily anything personal and it’s their own problem they have to live with. So next time you give someone some good news, watch their reaction carefully...and also, watch your own reaction when someone tells you something good going on with them! Are you being happy for them?
       Bottom line, I’m in a happy relationship with J, we live in a nice apartment, we got a dog we’ve been wanting and now we have our own little happy “family”. So welcome to my happy parade. And it is continuously marching on...so bring your umbrella, as it will be held rain or shine. 

Don't Be Self-fish

       Ahh, relationships. In my opinion, love makes the world go round. Your love for your car, your job, your days off, your 60” LED TV, your XBOX360, your career, your love for football, your iPod, your phone, your dog, your family, your friends, your favorite sweater, your life. But I find the love you have for your partner is the most unique, special, and intense love that one will encounter. 

       Before we take a look at people we know in relationships, let’s clarify that the purpose of this isn’t to judge. It’s an observation, an opinion, an analysis and a means of understanding relationships. So let’s think of people we know in relationships. How many friends do you have that are constantly crying to you about their relationship? How many times does the couple you are acquainted with argue when you are all out to dinner? How many times have you seen a couple eat an entire meal and not say a word to each other?

       And I’m not saying that every relationship is perfect and you’ll never have a bad night or a rough patch...or that you’ll never perhaps be “that couple” not speaking through dinner one night or having a little argument on a night out with some friends. But I’m looking at it on a deeper level. I’m speaking of this being the relationship itself.

       I’ll be candid in saying I know too many people in relationships that if they were to speak completely truthful would not say, “Wow, I’m so happy.” I know people who will comment on others “being hot”, etc behind their significant others’ back. People who speak of “finding someone else”, someone better. People who never really feel proud to say “she’s my girlfriend” or “he’s my boyfriend.” I would assume that the other person in the relationship who found this out or knew about it would not be too thrilled to know this information. What’s really going on here?

       Then there are the people who are in relationship and don’t realize all the red flags. People who want to get married and they very well know the person they are with would never want to get married. Or if you want 3 kids and you are absolutely aware of the fact that your partner has no interest whatsoever on ever having children. Listen, if you are willing to flush your goals down the porcelain toilet of life for someone else, and you’re fine with that, than great. But I doubt that sounds overly appealing to anyone. Is it worth knowing you must give up on these major things all together? Or spend the rest of your life trying to “get them on board?” Please say no.

       Then there are so many people “dealing” with things about the person they are with. And I’m not speaking of dealing with the fact that your girlfriend showers your closets with her shoe collection or how your boyfriend refuses to remember to put the toilet seat down. I’m talking about major characteristics here. People who know they need to talk through a problem, they are communicative and open, yet their partner never wants to discuss or address issues at all. In fact, they shut down the idea at the very first inclination of it beginning. Can’t you tell this is going to be a never-ending and very sad battle every time you need to communicate?

             Oh, and the people who settle, when they really don’t want to. Hello “settlers.” The ones who have been in a relationship so long that they fear being alone. These people try so hard to put up a front that they are happy and in love with someone when in reality it is a fear of the unknown, a habit they keep up. These people stay with someone because they are “used to it”, because they “feel bad”, because it is something that they have come to know as second nature. How would your partner feel if they knew those were the primary reasons behind you staying with them? If some people only knew...

       Now my over-arching point here is what the hell are some people thinking? Let me clarify, yes not every relationship will always be perfect. It is not a secret that there will be times when things may be off, arguments may arise, and patience will be tested...all that is natural. But talking behind your boyfriend’s back to friends saying you really rather find someone else, as he’s online looking at engagement rings, is just amazingly selfish. Basically telling your girlfriend to essentially throw away her hopes of ever getting married or having kids is amazingly selfish. Pouring your feelings out to someone else about really wanting to be with them instead, when you have been in a long-term relationship with someone else, is pathetic. And then you go about your day like nothing happened? You are not only selfish but you are cold-hearted, untrustworthy, and I am surprised anyone thinks you are a good person.

       Let’s be overly blunt here, if you’re in a serious relationship (or at least the person you’re with thinks you are) and you’re out and about discussing your relationship disconnect, how you’re really only staying with them because you are too scared of being alone, or you have feelings for other people...how do you think that looks on you? Or maybe you really care about the person but you’re “sticking it out” despite their lack of interest, effort, romance, and communication. Be stronger than that.

       2 things:

       1) If you’re with someone for the wrong reasons (ie. because you don’t want to be alone, you’re staying with them meanwhile you’re interested in other people, etc.) let me inform you that your character is highly at stake. Why are you giving someone the impression that you love and care about them and you stab them in the back and make them look stupid to other people? Wow, you’re a great person.

       2) If you’re with someone you want to marry one day KNOWING they have no interest of marring you...or you are muddling through a relationship knowing their lack of communication is killing your level of happiness on a daily basis, or you sense their lack of commitment, their lack of effort, their lack of respect toward you...you should realize you are cutting yourself more than short.

       Whether you are the selfish one or you’re the person trying to maintain a relationship with someone who gives you below average effort, you should all quickly realize that you are in situations that you need to get out of. I’m speaking of this because do you really want to wake up in a few years...hell, maybe even 10 years and realize you have been wasting time with the wrong person?! You may even know it now, but for the reasons we discussed you remain. Don’t waste the minimal time we already have struggling in a relationship, trying to stay above water.

       Believe it or not, relationships are supposed to enhance your life, cheer you up, make you a better person and make you feel happy. Along with the perks of not having to sleep alone, having someone fix your leaky faucet in your bathroom, getting free home-cooked meals and free massages, and increase the number of times you have sex in a month. But seriously, as simple as it sounds, relationships should be a source of happiness.

       In reality, people’s level of commitment has really dwindled down. So many people aren’t fully committed in their relationship. Now a days, at the first sign of trouble, people are more inclined to check out, give up, act shady, or simply stop trying. No wonder long-term relationships are few and far between..and the divorce rate is at an all-time high. 

       

       Are people just less in love?

       

       If you’re pulling some poor soul through a daily insecurity of your lack of effort and commitment, please stop being selfish and let them find someone better than you. Let them off the hook and release them. And if you’re the “poor soul” hanging on to a relationship in hopes it will improve one day so you can truly be happy...please don't feed into it and do yourself a favor and free yourself of the burden now.
       Remember, there are many other fish in the sea...don’t drown yourself with a self-fish.