Don't Be Self-fish

       Ahh, relationships. In my opinion, love makes the world go round. Your love for your car, your job, your days off, your 60” LED TV, your XBOX360, your career, your love for football, your iPod, your phone, your dog, your family, your friends, your favorite sweater, your life. But I find the love you have for your partner is the most unique, special, and intense love that one will encounter. 

       Before we take a look at people we know in relationships, let’s clarify that the purpose of this isn’t to judge. It’s an observation, an opinion, an analysis and a means of understanding relationships. So let’s think of people we know in relationships. How many friends do you have that are constantly crying to you about their relationship? How many times does the couple you are acquainted with argue when you are all out to dinner? How many times have you seen a couple eat an entire meal and not say a word to each other?

       And I’m not saying that every relationship is perfect and you’ll never have a bad night or a rough patch...or that you’ll never perhaps be “that couple” not speaking through dinner one night or having a little argument on a night out with some friends. But I’m looking at it on a deeper level. I’m speaking of this being the relationship itself.

       I’ll be candid in saying I know too many people in relationships that if they were to speak completely truthful would not say, “Wow, I’m so happy.” I know people who will comment on others “being hot”, etc behind their significant others’ back. People who speak of “finding someone else”, someone better. People who never really feel proud to say “she’s my girlfriend” or “he’s my boyfriend.” I would assume that the other person in the relationship who found this out or knew about it would not be too thrilled to know this information. What’s really going on here?

       Then there are the people who are in relationship and don’t realize all the red flags. People who want to get married and they very well know the person they are with would never want to get married. Or if you want 3 kids and you are absolutely aware of the fact that your partner has no interest whatsoever on ever having children. Listen, if you are willing to flush your goals down the porcelain toilet of life for someone else, and you’re fine with that, than great. But I doubt that sounds overly appealing to anyone. Is it worth knowing you must give up on these major things all together? Or spend the rest of your life trying to “get them on board?” Please say no.

       Then there are so many people “dealing” with things about the person they are with. And I’m not speaking of dealing with the fact that your girlfriend showers your closets with her shoe collection or how your boyfriend refuses to remember to put the toilet seat down. I’m talking about major characteristics here. People who know they need to talk through a problem, they are communicative and open, yet their partner never wants to discuss or address issues at all. In fact, they shut down the idea at the very first inclination of it beginning. Can’t you tell this is going to be a never-ending and very sad battle every time you need to communicate?

             Oh, and the people who settle, when they really don’t want to. Hello “settlers.” The ones who have been in a relationship so long that they fear being alone. These people try so hard to put up a front that they are happy and in love with someone when in reality it is a fear of the unknown, a habit they keep up. These people stay with someone because they are “used to it”, because they “feel bad”, because it is something that they have come to know as second nature. How would your partner feel if they knew those were the primary reasons behind you staying with them? If some people only knew...

       Now my over-arching point here is what the hell are some people thinking? Let me clarify, yes not every relationship will always be perfect. It is not a secret that there will be times when things may be off, arguments may arise, and patience will be tested...all that is natural. But talking behind your boyfriend’s back to friends saying you really rather find someone else, as he’s online looking at engagement rings, is just amazingly selfish. Basically telling your girlfriend to essentially throw away her hopes of ever getting married or having kids is amazingly selfish. Pouring your feelings out to someone else about really wanting to be with them instead, when you have been in a long-term relationship with someone else, is pathetic. And then you go about your day like nothing happened? You are not only selfish but you are cold-hearted, untrustworthy, and I am surprised anyone thinks you are a good person.

       Let’s be overly blunt here, if you’re in a serious relationship (or at least the person you’re with thinks you are) and you’re out and about discussing your relationship disconnect, how you’re really only staying with them because you are too scared of being alone, or you have feelings for other people...how do you think that looks on you? Or maybe you really care about the person but you’re “sticking it out” despite their lack of interest, effort, romance, and communication. Be stronger than that.

       2 things:

       1) If you’re with someone for the wrong reasons (ie. because you don’t want to be alone, you’re staying with them meanwhile you’re interested in other people, etc.) let me inform you that your character is highly at stake. Why are you giving someone the impression that you love and care about them and you stab them in the back and make them look stupid to other people? Wow, you’re a great person.

       2) If you’re with someone you want to marry one day KNOWING they have no interest of marring you...or you are muddling through a relationship knowing their lack of communication is killing your level of happiness on a daily basis, or you sense their lack of commitment, their lack of effort, their lack of respect toward you...you should realize you are cutting yourself more than short.

       Whether you are the selfish one or you’re the person trying to maintain a relationship with someone who gives you below average effort, you should all quickly realize that you are in situations that you need to get out of. I’m speaking of this because do you really want to wake up in a few years...hell, maybe even 10 years and realize you have been wasting time with the wrong person?! You may even know it now, but for the reasons we discussed you remain. Don’t waste the minimal time we already have struggling in a relationship, trying to stay above water.

       Believe it or not, relationships are supposed to enhance your life, cheer you up, make you a better person and make you feel happy. Along with the perks of not having to sleep alone, having someone fix your leaky faucet in your bathroom, getting free home-cooked meals and free massages, and increase the number of times you have sex in a month. But seriously, as simple as it sounds, relationships should be a source of happiness.

       In reality, people’s level of commitment has really dwindled down. So many people aren’t fully committed in their relationship. Now a days, at the first sign of trouble, people are more inclined to check out, give up, act shady, or simply stop trying. No wonder long-term relationships are few and far between..and the divorce rate is at an all-time high. 

       

       Are people just less in love?

       

       If you’re pulling some poor soul through a daily insecurity of your lack of effort and commitment, please stop being selfish and let them find someone better than you. Let them off the hook and release them. And if you’re the “poor soul” hanging on to a relationship in hopes it will improve one day so you can truly be happy...please don't feed into it and do yourself a favor and free yourself of the burden now.
       Remember, there are many other fish in the sea...don’t drown yourself with a self-fish.