Awkward Elephants

      At 26 years of age, I have recently reached an emotional epiphany.

      Perhaps it's my age, perhaps it's my experiences I've accumulated along the way, perhaps it's been my maturity growth, or maybe my somewhat more recent happiness at work, at home, in my life...but I have reached this specific point of complete and utter appreciation for each experience that has come my way thus far.

      Let me elaborate.

      I, like we all have, have lost once-upon-a-time "best" friends, I've lost good acquaintances, I've lost touch with certain family members, on purpose. I've had relationships, once good...turn terribly sour,  I've had complete strangers impact my life and I've had very meaningful people impact my life. I've had great friends who've stood by my side, I've had close family support me through tough times, I've fallen in love and held tightly to it. All these past and present interactions with people, whether good or bad, I could not be more grateful for each and every one of them.

      I've lately been in a state of mind of genuinely feeling like I am in some sort of pursuit of happiness movie and everyone that has come, gone or stayed in my life has played a role. I realized as corny and cliche as it sounds, that life is awfully too short and certain

things should be said. I decided it was time to dust some cobwebs off my past, and release the awkward elephants in some of the rooms that have been lurking.

      Although some of these past situations, awkward encounters, or simply just some "get it off your chest" type of feelings don't seem like much, they can mean a lot in the big scheme of your life. Whether it's an apology to someone you hurt, explaining to someone you stopped speaking to why it is you actually had to avoid them, telling someone how much you love them or telling someone why you don't appreciate something they have done to you.

      Take a look at yourself, we have grown wiser and are getting older by the second. Why don’t we let those certain people know what has been on our mind? Why don’t we get some closure on certain things? Maybe it’s a pleasant phone call to an old friend you've lost touch with, maybe it’s to tell someone that they have hurt you and you wanted to make peace with finally letting them know. Perhaps it’s finally having enough gall to sincerely apologize to that person you completely screwed over, or something as little as a “hi” that you would have otherwise avoided due to a past factor.

      And let me be clear, I don't mean to go call every ex-friend who dicked you over and curse them off, or reconnect with old lovers, or to go through your phonebook and contact every person you think you may have rubbed the wrong way at some point. I'm just saying if there are a couple things that have been lurking in your soul that YOU personally would benefit from, from doing or saying something about it so you can completely let go of any negative feelings and continue to move on with your current life...then by all means, do it. I know not everyone even has certain people that they would want to take this action on, not everyone has anything they need to make peace with (or maybe you already have made peace in your own way), not everyone has cobwebs to dust off, not everyone cares about things like this, and hey, not everyone is as emotionally-charged as me and may have their own view, method, or reasoning on things.

      Here are some strides I've taken during this "movement":

      I've maturely and politely reached out to someone who really hurt me years ago (and by really hurt, I don't mean she cancelled our lunch date) and we never made peace with it. It appeared after all these years, her way of "reaching out" was to Facebook friend me..which resulted in two separate occasions of clicking the "not now" button. So I gathered my brief thoughts and constructed a Facebook message to her and explained why I don't interact with her and actively avoid speaking to her. Although she never answered...that is more than okay. The point was to get that off my chest , let her know where I stand and to come to terms with what she had done to me. I am simply at peace with knowing that she now knows.

      I've told someone I've known since I was little how much I used to care about them and am glad we can always be friends into our adult life, which is important to me. I also didn't forget to mention some of the not-so-nice things he did to me and some of the reasoning behind why we stopped speaking for a couple years a while back. Although he seemed caught off guard by my random heartfelt statement, he agreed. Also, later on I got the privilege of hearing him finally open up about all of it...and I think I helped him find closure on some things from the past (as did I). It was nice to see how much we've grown as people since our middle school days, to see him grow as a person, and to know that whether we speak often or not, that we will be in each other's lives.

      I've made amends with someone I used to date. I dated this guy in college for a while but afterwards we moved on with our lives and had remained actual friends. I randomly called him and apologized for not only being a similar version of a Summer Finn, but for abruptly and actively ignoring him in my more adult life (give or take a few valid reasons).  Nonetheless, he was appreciative I made the call and the smoke in the air was cleared.

      I've told a couple of girl "friends" how I don't appreciate them not keeping in touch, not returning phone calls and not being an active friend. Hey, I know we are all busy but none of us are George Clooney. I think we can find some more time. Some understood this, others felt defensive. Either way, I don't give a shit. It needed to be said.

      And as of most recently, I saw my ex-boyfriend at a bar playing with his band and instead of being immature and completely ignoring him (it's a small bar), I took it upon myself to include him in my "good job guys" speech I was giving his fellow band-mates (who I know). We exchanged some brief small talk amongst everyone and all seemed fine. It felt good to act normal. When his current girlfriend made it overly obvious she was not comfortable with me around, I personally went up to speak with her later on. I was not there to make anyone feel comfortable. I happily explained to her know how long ago that relationship was and how I am very happy in my current relationship and meant absolutely no harm. I went on to explain I was simply attempting to be polite/cordial/mature. She seemed grateful I even came up to briefly discuss this with her. I guess I’ll never know if as soon as I left she made fun of me or if she was appreciative that surprisingly, sometimes women CAN be mature in a situation where society forces you to "hate" on each other. Although obviously semi-awkward, I left that night content that I did the right thing...and more importantly, genuinely happy I could drive home and get into bed with the person that I know is right for me.

      The point of this was that these very few things were like emotional acid that needed to be washed away. And although some people will appreciate it, agree, and be grateful...there will be others that may not respond, some that may not care, some that may not give you the responses you had hoped for or the courtesy to appreciate your efforts in general...and that is completely, 100% fine! The more important thing is that you have cleared your mind. 

      Since I am caring and emotional, whether I never even thought about them much, and although they aren't necessarily very important at all...now I have absolutely no lingering feeling about any of it nor will I in the future. People heard my thoughts and I let the "elephant in the room" out on certain things. I must say, I think the sole reason I felt I could do any of this was that I am so happy with my current life. Mainly I think it is the support I receive on a daily basis...not only from my close family, but my boyfriend, J. He has always supported me, embraces my emotional side and understands I am somewhat of a random person who sometimes needs to do weird things to better myself. Most importantly, I can talk to him and tell him about all of this. He appreciates me for me, and I think knowing that, it really allows me to free myself of any negativity that I can actively put to rest.

      It's amazing how certain old friends (although you may or may not speak anymore) have helped shape your character and make you more you. How certain acquaintances you thought would never impact your life, could really do some damage or can do some real good for you, and how a current love can bring so much clarity as to why all the others didn't seem to work out.

      Bottom line: Let go of old animosities, let go of feeling angry at people, let go of wondering why certain people may or may not have done the right thing, let go of why friendships or relationships didn't work out, let go of grudges, let go of anything that you may worry about, feel upset about, or wonder about. And if there's an awkward elephant in the room...certainly don't be afraid to address it.

"Real"

Here is my latest song! I wrote this in one sitting & then recorded it. It was my first time officially using my recording equipment & also my first time editing myself (I'm still learning). This is a remix/freestyle type of song over an instrumental I really like that I quickly put together. I hope you enjoy it. Please feel free to like & share! Thanks to everyone for all of your support & positive comments. <3

I call this one simply "Real".

Hope Is A Good Thing

       I got to thinking the other day about our dreams. As a kid you get to enjoy more of the little things in life...coloring outside the lines, watching your favorite cartoons, and dreaming of being an astronaut, a famous painter, or the lead singer in the next hit rock band. Remember that?

       We tend to grow up with these high hopes of our dreams becoming a reality. Even when we are older and most of us attend college or start a trade we don’t see it coming - the truth. I remember being in college and getting my public relations degree thinking I was going to one day work at Food Network doing special events and coordinating their PR. This hope was still alive as I sat on the train one rainy Saturday afternoon heading into NYC. I had a plan.

       I had researched on the internet for days about who was a good person to contact at Food Network. I forget his name but he was a human resources director. I placed my well-written resume and witty cover letter in a fancy manilla envelope and sealed it shut. Aware of my not so wonderful handwriting, I slowly addressed the envelope making sure it was my best penmanship. “Perfect”, I thought to myself.

       The train arrived in NYC. It was raining but my spirits were high as I strutted to the Avenue of Americas with my best professional outfit I had in my closet at the time on and my favorite pair of black leather high heels. As I entered the building and the security officer greeted me at the door, he asked the reason for my visit. “Important correspondence for Mr. (X)” I said, smiling and somewhat nervous he was going to tell me to fuck off. After a couple seconds of hesitation “Alright, third floor to the left” he said.

       As I arrived on the third floor and I saw the shiny silver Food Network sign on the wall, I walked up to the woman at the front desk and handed her my “important correspondence” (aka my resume). I said “Make sure Mr. X receives this, I will be following up with him this week.” 

       Confident my plan worked, I headed back to Penn Station with all the hope in the world that I would get a call...But that call never came. I left Mr. X a message a week later, like I promised the woman at the front desk I would, and still no call back.

       The thing is (which I’m sure is no shock to any of you) is that not everything goes your way and not all your “dreams” will come true in life. After graduating and returning home, I took a job at a Fortune 500 pharmaceutical company and 2 years later, I left there to pursue the next step in my career and I landed a job at a publishing company where I currently work. 

       Since starting my first “big girl job” at the pharmaceutical company about 3 years ago now, I grew up, I matured, I lost some old friends, I gained some new friends, I went through a bad breakup, I started this blog that I love, I finally pursued music after many years of people telling me to, and I met and fell in love with the greatest guy I could ever ask for. I moved in with that great guy, we got an awesome dog, I bought myself a new car and continue to add aspirations to my “to-do” list...just because.

       Needless to say, I gave up on my Food Network dream and replaced it with my dream of being a published author or a known blogger, and pursuing music to see what could happen.

       The blogging part is easy on my budget. It’s free, I make my own schedule to work on it, and it makes me happy. Making music has helped me grow, it honestly makes me proud of myself and excited to be able to share something with other people. The reality of it though is that paying for my college loans, my car, my bills, along with trying to save for vacations and a future home with J...well, it’s difficult to dish out $75 an hour for a studio.

       Despite the financial burdens of pursuing my love of making music, I will not give it up. Lucky for me I’ve met some talented people who are willing to help me out (I’m planning to make a trip soon to go record a few songs with some of them and I also just finished shooting a music video, etc). Essentially, although it is not happening at a rapid pace, I am making it happen piece by piece. 

       But as I sat at my desk at work the other day and stared off, zoning out at my different colored folders stacked neatly in a pile, white printer paper with many different “reminders” and “pending” projects to complete, rate sheets, Excel print outs, post-it notes, and your standard blue and black pens...I thought to myself, “Could this be it?”

       I mean think about it, you see people who have worked at their desk jobs for 5, 10, 15, 20 years. Is this wrong? No. But think back to when you were a kid. The same kid watching Sunday morning cartoons, coloring and dreaming of being the next big musician or actor or chef. Even when you were in college sitting in a then “pointless” Art History lecture, just knowing that when you got that diploma - that piece of paper that cost you $85,000...that you could THEN get out there in the real world and make a difference. I mean, we all thought that at one point. I know I did.

       Would your inner kid and college student look down on you now and be disappointed? No one wants to hear this, but sometimes you’re not making the “difference” you thought you would be...and instead you find yourself just making a paycheck.

       As I was wondering all of this at my desk, waiting for the clock to hit 4:30 so I could get home to make dinner, it hit me...I very well may never be a famous blogger or writer and perhaps no one who could change my course of life will ever hear any of my music. I might just be left with a couple of my songs in the shuffle of a few of my friends iTunes playlists and some YouTube videos online. And hey, not many people can say that...so I guess I’m alright with that too. Those are things I will have forever. 

       That’s the funny thing about life, not everything is about talent or passion. Yes, it is a requirement to making your dreams come true, but it is not the entirety of it. Talent, passion and the final ingredient...luck. Sure, people like Bobby Flay, Quentin Tarentino and Robert De Niro could drop out of high school and still become super stars, but they are the lucky ones. Having the right talent, knowing the right people, being at the right place at the right time.

       Shit, if everyone got lucky there would be no casinos in Vegas, there would be no NJ Lottery, there would be no contests. Your dreams in life are like a casino. Many people go there with high hopes of being the next big winner, and hell, you could be the best Black Jack player in the world...but we all know the house usually wins. And if we all are well-aware that the house usually wins...why do we still go? The hope of winning. The hope of beating the odds. Like the great quote from Shawshank Redemption goes - “Hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies.” 

       So my advice is go out there and follow your dreams. No matter how big or small. At the very least, whatever it is you dream, keep it in your life. I love to write and make music...and I may never have a NY Times best-selling book or a Billboard 100 hit song, but I’ll have my passions alive and I’ll ensure that they are playing a special role in my life. 

       The moral of the story is, keep your dreams alive...but just in case you wake up and you’re 45 or 50 or whatever age it is that you realize that your big dream didn’t actually come true or work out...just be happy you’re alive and that you are still able to paint or write or sing or cook or play guitar. Whatever it is you do, be happy you can still do it for yourself. Be happy you tried, be happy you have a talent or a passion you love that you can keep with you forever. Save your drawings, save your songs, save that screenplay you wrote in college. It’s worth a lot more than you think. If you do this, no matter what age it is that you wake up and have this realization...you can be satisfied with your efforts.

       Just know that perhaps life had a different path for you, perhaps we were meant to work a 9-5 and be a good mom, or a good husband, or a good volunteer, or good business person. The reality of life is we can’t all be Picassos, De Niros, Madonnas or walk on the moon. And I realized...that is completely okay.