Awkward Elephants

      At 26 years of age, I have recently reached an emotional epiphany.

      Perhaps it's my age, perhaps it's my experiences I've accumulated along the way, perhaps it's been my maturity growth, or maybe my somewhat more recent happiness at work, at home, in my life...but I have reached this specific point of complete and utter appreciation for each experience that has come my way thus far.

      Let me elaborate.

      I, like we all have, have lost once-upon-a-time "best" friends, I've lost good acquaintances, I've lost touch with certain family members, on purpose. I've had relationships, once good...turn terribly sour,  I've had complete strangers impact my life and I've had very meaningful people impact my life. I've had great friends who've stood by my side, I've had close family support me through tough times, I've fallen in love and held tightly to it. All these past and present interactions with people, whether good or bad, I could not be more grateful for each and every one of them.

      I've lately been in a state of mind of genuinely feeling like I am in some sort of pursuit of happiness movie and everyone that has come, gone or stayed in my life has played a role. I realized as corny and cliche as it sounds, that life is awfully too short and certain

things should be said. I decided it was time to dust some cobwebs off my past, and release the awkward elephants in some of the rooms that have been lurking.

      Although some of these past situations, awkward encounters, or simply just some "get it off your chest" type of feelings don't seem like much, they can mean a lot in the big scheme of your life. Whether it's an apology to someone you hurt, explaining to someone you stopped speaking to why it is you actually had to avoid them, telling someone how much you love them or telling someone why you don't appreciate something they have done to you.

      Take a look at yourself, we have grown wiser and are getting older by the second. Why don’t we let those certain people know what has been on our mind? Why don’t we get some closure on certain things? Maybe it’s a pleasant phone call to an old friend you've lost touch with, maybe it’s to tell someone that they have hurt you and you wanted to make peace with finally letting them know. Perhaps it’s finally having enough gall to sincerely apologize to that person you completely screwed over, or something as little as a “hi” that you would have otherwise avoided due to a past factor.

      And let me be clear, I don't mean to go call every ex-friend who dicked you over and curse them off, or reconnect with old lovers, or to go through your phonebook and contact every person you think you may have rubbed the wrong way at some point. I'm just saying if there are a couple things that have been lurking in your soul that YOU personally would benefit from, from doing or saying something about it so you can completely let go of any negative feelings and continue to move on with your current life...then by all means, do it. I know not everyone even has certain people that they would want to take this action on, not everyone has anything they need to make peace with (or maybe you already have made peace in your own way), not everyone has cobwebs to dust off, not everyone cares about things like this, and hey, not everyone is as emotionally-charged as me and may have their own view, method, or reasoning on things.

      Here are some strides I've taken during this "movement":

      I've maturely and politely reached out to someone who really hurt me years ago (and by really hurt, I don't mean she cancelled our lunch date) and we never made peace with it. It appeared after all these years, her way of "reaching out" was to Facebook friend me..which resulted in two separate occasions of clicking the "not now" button. So I gathered my brief thoughts and constructed a Facebook message to her and explained why I don't interact with her and actively avoid speaking to her. Although she never answered...that is more than okay. The point was to get that off my chest , let her know where I stand and to come to terms with what she had done to me. I am simply at peace with knowing that she now knows.

      I've told someone I've known since I was little how much I used to care about them and am glad we can always be friends into our adult life, which is important to me. I also didn't forget to mention some of the not-so-nice things he did to me and some of the reasoning behind why we stopped speaking for a couple years a while back. Although he seemed caught off guard by my random heartfelt statement, he agreed. Also, later on I got the privilege of hearing him finally open up about all of it...and I think I helped him find closure on some things from the past (as did I). It was nice to see how much we've grown as people since our middle school days, to see him grow as a person, and to know that whether we speak often or not, that we will be in each other's lives.

      I've made amends with someone I used to date. I dated this guy in college for a while but afterwards we moved on with our lives and had remained actual friends. I randomly called him and apologized for not only being a similar version of a Summer Finn, but for abruptly and actively ignoring him in my more adult life (give or take a few valid reasons).  Nonetheless, he was appreciative I made the call and the smoke in the air was cleared.

      I've told a couple of girl "friends" how I don't appreciate them not keeping in touch, not returning phone calls and not being an active friend. Hey, I know we are all busy but none of us are George Clooney. I think we can find some more time. Some understood this, others felt defensive. Either way, I don't give a shit. It needed to be said.

      And as of most recently, I saw my ex-boyfriend at a bar playing with his band and instead of being immature and completely ignoring him (it's a small bar), I took it upon myself to include him in my "good job guys" speech I was giving his fellow band-mates (who I know). We exchanged some brief small talk amongst everyone and all seemed fine. It felt good to act normal. When his current girlfriend made it overly obvious she was not comfortable with me around, I personally went up to speak with her later on. I was not there to make anyone feel comfortable. I happily explained to her know how long ago that relationship was and how I am very happy in my current relationship and meant absolutely no harm. I went on to explain I was simply attempting to be polite/cordial/mature. She seemed grateful I even came up to briefly discuss this with her. I guess I’ll never know if as soon as I left she made fun of me or if she was appreciative that surprisingly, sometimes women CAN be mature in a situation where society forces you to "hate" on each other. Although obviously semi-awkward, I left that night content that I did the right thing...and more importantly, genuinely happy I could drive home and get into bed with the person that I know is right for me.

      The point of this was that these very few things were like emotional acid that needed to be washed away. And although some people will appreciate it, agree, and be grateful...there will be others that may not respond, some that may not care, some that may not give you the responses you had hoped for or the courtesy to appreciate your efforts in general...and that is completely, 100% fine! The more important thing is that you have cleared your mind. 

      Since I am caring and emotional, whether I never even thought about them much, and although they aren't necessarily very important at all...now I have absolutely no lingering feeling about any of it nor will I in the future. People heard my thoughts and I let the "elephant in the room" out on certain things. I must say, I think the sole reason I felt I could do any of this was that I am so happy with my current life. Mainly I think it is the support I receive on a daily basis...not only from my close family, but my boyfriend, J. He has always supported me, embraces my emotional side and understands I am somewhat of a random person who sometimes needs to do weird things to better myself. Most importantly, I can talk to him and tell him about all of this. He appreciates me for me, and I think knowing that, it really allows me to free myself of any negativity that I can actively put to rest.

      It's amazing how certain old friends (although you may or may not speak anymore) have helped shape your character and make you more you. How certain acquaintances you thought would never impact your life, could really do some damage or can do some real good for you, and how a current love can bring so much clarity as to why all the others didn't seem to work out.

      Bottom line: Let go of old animosities, let go of feeling angry at people, let go of wondering why certain people may or may not have done the right thing, let go of why friendships or relationships didn't work out, let go of grudges, let go of anything that you may worry about, feel upset about, or wonder about. And if there's an awkward elephant in the room...certainly don't be afraid to address it.

"Real"

Here is my latest song! I wrote this in one sitting & then recorded it. It was my first time officially using my recording equipment & also my first time editing myself (I'm still learning). This is a remix/freestyle type of song over an instrumental I really like that I quickly put together. I hope you enjoy it. Please feel free to like & share! Thanks to everyone for all of your support & positive comments. <3

I call this one simply "Real".

Shameless

       A friend of mine sent me an article the other day that finally cured my months of writer’s block I had been having. (Thanks Danielle!) The article was about being emotion-shamed and how society has lost the appreciation for being open, honest, blunt, and completely out there with your raw and “unfiltered” emotions. This struck so close to home that I decided to write about it from my perspective.

       I have come to realize that in my life I have been consistently emotion-shamed. And I feel like a lot of my fellow heartfelt feelers (say that 10 times fast) feel the same way. You know, when you randomly text your friends in the middle of the night to let them know “I hope we always stay as close as we are right now”, when you finally spill your guts to that girl you’ve had a crush on at work and you’ve waited so long to say it you sounded like you were reading a monologue from the Notebook, when you cry profusely in front of your boyfriend as you tell him exactly why that thing over dinner just happened to “upset” you, when you hug your kid in the morning tightly for such a long period of time that it actually gets awkward for a moment and you may have pulled a muscle in their back, when you have a day when you just feel like saying hello to every stranger who walks by, and when you feel like the day has gone so wrong you decide to put on Coldplay on your way home from the grocery store and cry for a good 33 minutes. For some reason, this raw emotion isn’t appreciated the way it used to be.

       In the wake of technology and with more people staring at their Twitter feed and 135 comments about how Kim Kardashian’s dress from the Meta Gala resembled a floral couch, than actual human beings, I feel like society has grown to be afraid of true emotions. Crying is looked at as being a complete weakness (especially if you’re a guy), any showing of anger means you’re a psycho (especially if you’re a girl), being overly joyed and happy means you’re out of “touch” with the real world or hiding your “real emotions” about life, and God forbid you spill your guts to someone in all honesty...they will shoot you with a puzzled look as if you just told them you’ve never seen the movie the Godfather. (I still haven’t). And I know, this may not be everyone or every case...but come on, I feel like this is the generalized way of thinking that our society has adopted to a vast degree.

       I’ve had a couple friends (now ex-friends) tell me I’m too “aggressive” with my opinions (Geez, sorry for thinking I could openly express myself in front of you people). I’ve had an old boyfriend practically shun me every time I ever wanted to discuss “feelings” (YUCK! NO! Not Feelingssss!?) I’ve had strangers think I’m mysterious and unapproachable because I seem so “passionate” about how I feel about things. Ridiculous right?

       Since when did showing emotions and being open, speaking freely, and allowing yourself to show raw emotion become taboo? I must have missed that memo.

       While many people have conformed to what is more “preferably acceptable”, I have managed to stay passionate and open with my feelings. Thanks to my family who no matter how crazy I may have sounded, never judged me on my emotions. They have seen me at my worst and best, at my calmest and my craziest...without judgements or corrections. I have a few friends who have lasted me into my adult life that although poke fun at me for being “a feisty latina” from time to time, genuinely appreciate my outlook on life (thanks guys). And without a doubt, many thanks to my boyfriend J. Boy does he deserve a statue or plaque of some kind. I have gone from spewing out so many emotions and thoughts at once that I’m surprised he keeps up with me! He’s sat there and supported me through all my crazy ideas and my “early-life crisis” as I like to call it. Being in my mid-20’s I went through a couple phases on where I wanted to go with my life...from wanting to start a photography business to opening up a bakery and calling it “Sweet E’s” and then I finally landed on what I wanted to pursue (details to come later!)...and yet he still listens and supports all my passionate and heartfelt desires as if it’s the first time I’m bringing it up. He has seen me have melt downs (he always brings me 2 tissues and they are never enough) and has seen me so happy I was literally skipping in the living room as if I was the retarded Spanish Teletubby that didn’t make the cut to be on the show. Thanks for all of that J.

       So here I am. I am going to say what many people in my situation may be PETRIFIED to say...Are you sitting down? Ok good... “I am one big bag of emotions!”

       There I said it. I’m human. I think there isn’t enough emotions in the world anymore. Everyone is so busy hiding behind their cubicles, their iPhones, their Facebook pages and their front doors.

       In our home we say I love you a million times a day. I will tell my friends I love them almost every time I speak with them. When I cry, sometimes I cry hard, and I’m not ashamed of it. It’s also the type of cry that Kevin Hart will use in a stand up because you can barely understand what I am trying to say (sometimes I actually think about it while I am crying) and then I blow my nose into many tissues and attempt to Michael Jordan them it into our wastebasket and will find several missed shots on the floor the next day. When I am happy, I really embrace it. I will sing terrible Top 40 songs in the kitchen as I dice up some potatoes and I will also create MANY on the spot jingles about my dog. (Here is an example: “Hippo is the best, she’s better than the rest, I’ll rub her on her chest, cuz Hippo is the best!”....I guess you have to be there.) When I laugh, I make sure I am 100% in the moment and in that laugh whole-heartedly. When I’m mad, although I do try to calm myself down because that’s the right thing to do, I won’t make myself feel guilty for shouting a couple curse words or the once in a blue moon door slam. Fuck it. 

       When I visit someplace new, I really look around. I watch the people go by. I genuinely say hello and “thanks so much” and I REALLY mean it. I look people straight in the eye. I convey my sympathy for people in tough situations, I try to give sincere advice, I stick up for people I care about, I cry when someone is crying and I feel for them, I laugh at people’s sarcasm because I always appreciate a good sarcastic joke and when I say I’m sorry I always mean it. 

       When I went to San Francisco recently for a business trip last month, I found myself walking around and every so often taking a long, hard look around and taking a deep breath of air, as if I was inhaling the memory of that moment. And you know what the most interesting part is? Although I worked every day I was there, the only memories I have of the trip were non-work related. I remember my feelings standing on the Golden Gate Bridge, I remember the fun I had watching a bunch of break dancers having a great time entertaining all of us not so coordinated spectators, I remember the laughter I had with a guy on the street who began singing me a very funny song on his guitar as I walked by, I remember the taste of the Chicken Marsala I had at this amazing Italian restaurant, I remember how I felt when I woke up in the morning and threw open the curtains on the window and stared out at the city skyline at 7 AM. Now THAT is what life is all about. 

       As I grow older I realize that being emotional is becoming a rarity, and I’m going to hang tightly to how I am no matter what. And more importantly, you should too. This notion of needing to somehow always appear “cool, calm and collected” is ridiculous.

       I’m emotional. I’m open. I’m honest. I’m out there. I’m raw. I’m messy. And I am shameless. Sue me.

Never Ask a Stranger for Directions

       It's interesting how life consists of going down sets of different paths. There are two roads to go down (sometimes more), you decide which one you'll be taking, and you start a journey.

       Sometimes these roads lead to success, happiness, great opportunity and open valleys. You can wind up in love, at a dream job, able to reach goals, and finding the wonders of the world. But sometimes these roads can also lead to dead ends, deserted areas and traffic jams. You can wind up lost, angry, and hurt.

       And sometimes a road may look like a beautiful scenic route, but you can find yourself half way down it and then realize you really just ended up in the mud. You noticed you've walked miles and miles down a certain way, spending years of your life...and come to find out it's not where you wanted to end up. 

       Do we ever know for sure if where we are headed is the right way? And sure, if it turns out not to be, we can always turn around...but what if it's a one-way street? What if you never figure out exactly where you are and find yourself going around in circles, passing the same block over and over again and never actually moving any further? What if you think you are venturing onto a new path when you come to realize it’s a road you’ve already taken?

       How can we ever know we are on the right road in our careers, our relationships, our future, our love life, our friendships, and our overall choices?

       Just like the trees, our lives are ever-changing...along with the people in them. There is so much uncertainty involved, that if you really focus on it, it may very well scare the shit out of you. Or perhaps we can look at this uncertainty in a positive light and be grateful for the fact that we don’t know what is coming next. Perhaps we should embrace the mystery of where our decisions may lead us, where they may make us end up, and how we will learn from them.

       You can follow someone down a road, use a GPS to make sure you get there a specific way, bring a map and try to figure it out, or you may want to wander until you find what you're looking for. Some may take a busy street, while others go on a road less traveled. Some may lead, some may follow, and some may stand still.

       I guess there is no way of knowing where our life paths will lead us or how we will do on the way to where we end up. I suppose the best we can do is learn from the wrong turns and dead ends, embrace the beautiful secret passages, get to know the people we meet along the way, and hope we end up in a place we enjoy. Also, be grateful that we have the options, the different roads, the privilege of making a choice for our lives...because despite the chances of it not turning out exactly the way we envisioned, life would be pretty fucking boring.

       And just a piece of advice, when it comes to which road you will take, trust yourself...and never ask a stranger for directions.