Ghosts of Life's Past

       The old tales of ghosts and goblins...Well, whether you believe in them or not, everyone definitely has things that tend to haunt them.

       Whether it’s an overly embarrassing moment in your life, yet another failed relationship, a time where you blatantly lied, or a moment you did something you regretted and now have guilt, you have life ghosts that may haunt you not only when night falls, but even when the sun is shining brightly. And not all “haunting” things have to be negative, even good times can haunt you...especially good times that are basically irrelevant now. Perhaps happy times with an old flame that has turned into a stranger, a time of smiles with someone who passed that you loved dearly, or an unforgettable night out on the town with an ex-friend. 

       And what about secrets, or private information you find out about someone? Perhaps someone you respect a lot, a friend, a colleague, a family member, or even a significant other. We all say “Oh, I don’t judge”. But in all honesty we all do to a degree don’t we? To “judge” by definition, is to form an opinion or evaluation. I mean, almost all of us are opinionated assholes deep down in our core. So regardless, even if you try not to, you have some sort of feeling or “opinion” toward pretty much everything in life don’t you? So that being said, no matter who is it, or what it is, inevitably we will probably “judge.” And not necessarily the “judge” that has a bad connotation associated to its name, but the actual definition of the word.

       Now we all have ghosts in our past. I think I could speak for nearly everyone in saying that no one has a past completely filled with cheesing smiles, cackling laughs, and fields of tulips. I mean everyone has things they may not be proud of, or regret, or wouldn't necessarily shout out at a business meeting or talk about on a first date. And especially if you are building a friendship with someone or a relationship with someone, it can be difficult to not let some of this information haunt you a bit. Usually these types of secrets, high confidential, or personal information you find out about someone, if it’s not how they donated $50,000 to charity or drove their grandmother to a doctor’s appointment, you might be a bit taken back by some of the stuff from their past. And unless you are friends with or dating a saint living on earth, this is an inevitable occurrence. 

       Like most things in life, this situation can go more than one way. The saying goes “what you don’t know won’t hurt you.” Let’s take a minute and think about what truth this statement really holds. Now, this person can hide these past ghosts from you and cover your ears from the horror stories like a child, but anyone who’s lived and anyone who perceives any emotion in other people will be able or smart enough to know that they are not receiving the full story, if any of it at all. We are all aware that every story has a beginning, middle, and end and almost always has a climax and a turn of events where the hero is brought down into trouble and usually overcomes it. But even the hero at times falls a bit short or perhaps falls and plummets to their death. It’s like watching an interesting movie and seeing the beginning and just skipping to the final credits. Aren't you curious what happens in the middle?

       The other option is this person tells you. They let you in on their past, good and bad, thick and thin. At least they care about you enough, and more importantly, genuinely trust and confide in you to tell you these things, right? Don’t forget, it’s hard to show someone all your past demons. And yes you may have to deal with a few things you may not love to hear. But wouldn't you rather know? Personally, I think knowing is better than not knowing. I want to watch the entire movie...and then decide if I want to buy it on DVD to keep forever.

       Remember, digging in the past will never really help your present or your future, especially with anyone you care a lot about. You can dig back there all you want, but you will usually come back with your hands dirty, feeling exhausted and grumpy, and it’ll still be there regardless if you tried to plug all the dark holes up with dirt. 

       The past is the past for a reason. It’s set in stone, not able to be erased, unchangeable, and quite frankly and most importantly, usually very irrelevant. So I say, hear the story, face the ghosts and goblins, battle off the demons, and then keep it pushing forward. Unless the person murdered someone or hijacked a plane of traveling infants, I’d say most things are forgivable, forgettable, or something you can cope with and move on, right?

       And don’t forget to look at yourself and remember that you’re not perfect either. Luckily no one is. So we all have something we can relate to each other with...the fact that we are all perfectly imperfect. After-all the past is what shapes us, molds us, educates us, changes us, and makes us who we are right at this very moment. Like I said, no one has a perfect past, just be grateful it’s made us the good people we are today, despite the few not so great things haunting us back there.

       So I say, take this time to appreciate those who have truly trusted you enough to let you see their past ghosts and to accept them despite their demons, despite their hardships, and despite their not so shining moments. Because we all have angels, successes, and star moments that we can display as well, and that hopefully outdo any negative ones.

       Also, keep in mind that when you trust someone enough to know all of your past, you wouldn't want them judging you completely either would you? No, I guarantee you wouldn't. Life is too short to let the past stagger your present or prevent you from moving into a wonderful future. What’s good about the present is that you can control it, unlike the past. And what’s good about the future is we all still have air in our lungs to be appreciative enough to have one! So let's make sure we make it count.

       Despite some of the ghosts and goblins...I think I like the excitement, suspense, and thrill of it. I mean after-all, who doesn't like a good scary movie anyway? If life is a movie, all of ours would be the first one of its kind.....a romance, comedy, family, documentary, mystery, fantasy, crime, biography, musical, thriller, suspense, horror, action, drama film. And I must say, I love the fact that we can have it all in one. I just want mine to have laughs overcome the cries, smiles overcome the frowns, solve a few mysteries, show my real self, kill the bad guys, withstand some explosions, dance to some good music, float in the clouds, survive the shootouts, save a few lives...and be lucky enough to have a really awesome handsome young stallion save me from all the chaos.

Endangered Trust

       The saying goes “Dance like nobody’s watching and love like you’ve never been hurt.” Granted, it’s a good concept, but does anyone really do that? I mean, you may dance a bit more freely after a few drinks at the club, but most would still tone it down enough, because we know people ARE watching. I’d say, the only time you’re going to dance like no one is watching, is when no one really is. And the same thing goes for love like you’ve never been hurt. Most of us are damaged due to the disappointments from ones we cared for, hoarse voices from yelling matches, and dried tears from cries of emotion. I’d say anyone loving like they’ve never been hurt...probably has not truly been hurt before.

       My theory is a bit different on this one. Like I’ve mentioned before, we live in a shark-infested world. Don’t get me wrong, I am not completely cynical about this but we all know, most people do not give a shit about you. Other than your family, close friends, and significant other, most don’t give a damn what you’re doing. And some of us unfortunately have had the chances of realizing that even these people might prove you wrong in trusting them. The world-wide discovery of backstabbing friends, cheating lovers, and deceiving family members has left me wondering...the value of trust is becoming endangered or quite possibly extinct. Like the Ivory-billed Woodpecker. 

       So I say yes, on occasion, definitely dance like no one is watching. Because even if you do you’re probably still in the clear, aside from a few embarrassing or slight regrettable moments. Just make sure you have fun while doing it and don’t fall over in your heels in front of the guy you like. 

       But I also say, I think it’s completely natural and actually quite healthy to love like you HAVE been hurt. We make it too easy for people to get in sometimes, that you leave yourself never quite fully sure that they would have fought to get in, if it turned out to be a bit of a challenge to do so. And I’m not saying be difficult on purpose. I’ll be the first person to tell you, follow your heart and go with your gut. But if your heart has been beaten to a pulp in the past, I’m just looking out for you in saying...put some bubble wrap around that bitch once it’s repaired, and let someone pop a few bubbles to get to it.

       I would rather have someone fight off a few barriers to get to me than leave the door unlocked and wide-open with a flowered “Welcome” mat out front. This turns out to be beneficial for everyone involved and I’ll tell you why. Well for you, you’ll know for sure that this person really cares about you, or else they wouldn’t have stuck it through to get to really know you. You’ll feel at ease knowing that they truly thought you were and are worth the fight. You will know that this person is worthy of obtaining something as fragile, valuable, and precious, as your heart. And for them, well they’ll know that you don’t just let anyone in, and that’s a good thing trust me. They’ll know that you are wise enough to protect yourself and in turn will protect them as well. And they will know that they are falling for a self-respected, intelligent, and emotionally-in tune person (which I’d hope is what they are looking for).

       And as far as the extinction of trust. The one’s who really really want you to trust them, will do what it takes to prove that you should. And it’s crazy how life works. I realized it can be a cycle of disappointment and then happiness. I mean, life is never perfect. There may be things that stay constant in your life, but life itself never is. And honestly, despite old flames that have left you with some burn marks, one day you may and can be lucky enough to find someone who actually cares. And hey, I’m not guaranteeing it will always work out. Nothing in life is ever for certain, and we are all aware of this unsettling but valid fact.

       Even when you are in a miserable place, or a boring place, or a confusing place, or a place of complete habit and every day seems as repetitive and basic as the last, when you meet the right person, the coming days will be different. You’ll find yourself enjoying little tiny things about life that you were too miserable or bored to notice before. Like driving on an average day actually really enjoying the wind blowing through the back window of your car, or walking down the street and breathing in the air and loving the fact that you can smell summer coming. Like waking up in the morning and driving yet another day to work and finding yourself laughing really hard out loud to the morning radio jokes or singing loudly to a Taylor Swift song at 7 A.M. before you’ve even had your cup of Dunkin' Donuts iced coffee. 

       Some people may really surprise you in life, and the things you thought were impossible to get, impossible to want, impossible to have...somehow and some way, become all of a sudden very possible. And being human, once we have something we’ve been waiting all this time for and everything seems perfect, we immediately worry about it being taken away from us. And yes, unfortunately there is the possibility that it may not always be there. But crazy thought here....what if, this one time, it stayed?!

       I say, the stock of trust has been in the negative for all too long, and I’m throwing my life savings into it now, because I have a feeling that things may be looking up. Take all the trust you have in those friends that have always had your back, the family members that have supported you and loved you, and the lucky ones who you’ve trusted enough to obtain your heart, and be more grateful now than ever. I know trust may be endangered, but we must not let it go extinct. Protect it’s habitat, protect it’s presence, protect it’s value. Trust in trust. 

       And if you are that person, who’s found this newly born trust and happiness. You may be wondering...“too good to be true."

       Well, I was once that person thinking that. But this time, I’m going with...“too good not to be true.”

Behind My Music

       Who needs to wait on VH1 Behind the Music or E! True Hollywood Story to tell my story for me? I’ll tell it myself.

       As some of you already know I finally made my public music debut a few days ago. And for those of you who didn’t know, you’ll have the opportunity to hear the song after reading this post.

       Music is a beautiful thing because it conveys emotions, stories, and experiences. And with the heart-felt lyrics and passionate delivery in my song, I got asked by many people “Well, what’s the song really about?”, “What was your inspiration behind it?” And I think because many people can relate to the concept of the song, that you all deserve to know, and perhaps not feel alone in your own life experiences. Because that’s another great thing about music, you can relate to it and feel comfort in knowing others share similar feelings in life.

       So my talented friend who I’ve been working with sent me the instrumental to this song on a Thursday night. I was so in love with it that I sat up in bed on my Macbook until 3 AM (on a work night), drinking wine and wrote the lyrics to the entire thing. The next day after work I went to meet up with him and recorded the song from start to finish. After only an hour and a half we were blasting it out of the speakers. And in his words “That was the fastest I’ve ever finished a song in one session.” ...I was proud.

       So after a week of him tweaking things on it I was waiting anxiously to get the finished product. I got the text while I was driving home from work that day - “Are you ready to bump out to your song?!”...I think I made the fastest time in getting home from work I ever have. I went that night to my friends house to create a Youtube video of it and then I posted it to Facebook and started getting views. And here we are now.

       After posting it, I had no idea how great the feedback would be and how much support I would receive. It blew my mind. Comment after comment and ‘like’ after ‘like’, my smile grew wider and wider. All the comments, all the texts from my friends, all the calls I received. . .Flattered is truly not the word. I want to take this time to THANK YOU, you know who you are. All my friends who have cheered me, supported me, rallied for me and encouraged me to put myself out there. I truly love you for that and you’ve giving me more than I can ever ask for. It is amazing how in life, at the times you may need support the most, everyone comes out and shines their light on you and you feel completely illuminated. I couldn’t thank you all enough.

       I went out to the bar last night and everyone I saw there commented on the song, telling me “We are all waiting on song number 2!” I almost wanted to cry in the happiness I felt from everyone being so supportive. It’s an amazing feeling that I’ve never been lucky enough to feel until now. And I plan on never taking it for granted.

       So, anyone who has heard “Tug of War”, would easily come to the realization of how personal and deep the song really is. And it’s not always easy for people to put themselves out there like that, but in life I’ve really learned to embrace it. Life’s too short to enclose yourself and hibernate. I enjoy showing my scars and wounds. I find myself obtaining some sort of pride and confidence in showing them. I mean, everyone has them anyway. A lot of people who have read my blog have personally come up to me to tell me how much they respect my writing and how they appreciate having something to read and actually relate to. Well that is another reason I will continue doing it. Forget being discrete. Too many people sugar coat everything. No sugar coating here, I’m going to give it to you unsweetened this time.

       Relationships are something that every single person experiences. So it’s a popular and great topic for music. It brings out the bad in you, the good in you, the confused in you, and an array of different feelings, emotions, and memories. As I’m in my mid 20’s, I’d say that mainly everyone around this age has at least been in love, or felt some kind of love in one or more of their relationships they’ve had so far. And if you haven’t yet, I’d say that despite the shitty experiences it can bring at times, that you’re missing out.

       Everyone’s reached a point in a long-term relationship where you find yourself staring out during a heated argument, an awkwardly silent dinner date, or dry phone conversation and think to yourself “How the hell did we get here?” .  . . Good question. How did we get there? Well, I’ll tell you. 

       You perhaps reached a point where you’ve cursed at each other a few times in the midst of a bad argument, which then turns into freely cursing at each other and it having no real effect anymore. Or maybe you reached a point where you’ve done something to lose trust, which leads to faulty assumptions, accusations on each other, and constant questioning. Maybe you’ve come to a point where you’ve caught them flat out lying to you, which turns to resentment and bitterness. Or hey, maybe that spark just isn’t there anymore and you don’t really know why, and you’ll find yourself constantly searching high and low for what went wrong. Or maybe it’s been so long with ins and outs, ups and downs, and going back and forth to lead into total inconsistency that you find yourself in a whirl-win of complete confusion. And although it took a couple of years, I...was at a point like this.

       We all know people who complain about their relationship constantly, or you have that friend calling you weekly crying because they are always getting hurt, or the couple sitting at dinner not saying a word the entire meal, as they secretly despise the other’s breathing patterns. And yeah, that may not be you. But everyone’s been at a point where you’re asking yourself more than once “Is this really right?”

       I have sincere advice to those in this predicament or getting over a similar predicament. There is hope. And I promise you, even if you feel you’re standing alone in the middle of a completely dark and scary tunnel, that there is light at the end of it. If you feel lost, if you feel crushed, or your spirit is broken, or you have lost all faith in your own fucking happiness, there will be a day where you no longer feel this.

       Loneliness is to blame for many people going back to the same person that they know is wrong for them. You constantly focus on the “good times” (that if you really think about it, are no longer that recent anymore). You absolutely can know if the bad times are outweighing the good, whether you try to look on the positive or not. I beg of you to ask yourself the simplest question of them all, “Am I happy?” And if you have to even remotely think about it, ponder it, hesitate, or find that your justifying yourself. Than you should know your answer. 

       And especially after it has been a long while, you feel even more obligated or empowered to prove to yourself that it can work. That’s good to a degree, but it is a fine line that can head directly toward resentment and honestly, time wasted. Everyone deserves effortless and true happiness. If you find yourself struggling to barely make it through a week of being happy and not arguing with someone, than please do BOTH of you a favor and maturely move on. Happiness should not be a chore, it should be natural and present without large effort. Think vacation...not work. And once you free yourself of this burden, you will allow yourself the possibilities of ideally finding someone who it will be effortless with.

       I was once in that dark tunnel, confused, bitter, lonely, and lost. And that same tunnel is brighter than ever and now lined with LEDs that have been installed. I feel more mature and after all the pile of mistakes, I am humbly grateful for the experience because I now fully understand what I am and am not capable of dealing with in a relationship. Like anything in life, you live and you learn. You better yourself. So cherish the growth of it all, at the very least. I appreciate and respect what I had, but in life, sometimes things don’t work out and you have to just accept that and realize there are other good things in store in your future. I feel more excited about life and more inspired to write on this blog and make my music and more importantly, inspire others, than I ever have before. 

       Remember, life is too short to waste time being unhappy. You want to fight for things in life, but don’t turn it into fighting yourself. Go with your gut. Go with what you know is right for you.  And then...and only then...will you truly be able to find happiness. And don’t be scared to put yourself out there. Display your emotions, show your wounds, and wear your scars with pride, because after-all, like they say, they didn’t succeed in killing you.

"Tug of War" - Erika Alexa

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-bZL1wnMC1s