Judgement Day

       Let’s be honest. As much as we say “I don’t care what people think.” We all know deep down we certainly do care what people think. And maybe not every single person, maybe only certain people, but nevertheless, we do care. We all fear what people may think about something we said, something we did, or something we didn’t do or say.

       And I do believe that at times we may be concerned with what people or a certain person may have thought of something we said or did, and in reality that person did not even judge it. Imagine all the times we sat there worried or concerned or debating what this person is thinking when in fact they just took it for what it was. . . Talk about wasted energy!

       And forget about all the hundreds, even thousands of people who we encounter in a month or a year or our entire life-span that may have judged us. Quite a lot probably, right? Now imagine all the times we have judged our very selves. 

       Think of how many times we may have confessed a dark secret to an old friend or had a hissy fit in front of our significant other after a long day at work and said to ourselves “Ugh, shit, why did I say that!?” Or you broke down and cried in front of someone you care about and later felt regret for “opening up too much” or “expressing too much emotion”, or being “too vulnerable.”

       Then there are the thoughts of setting criteria for ourselves. “I should be acting this way.” “I should be happy.” “I should be not bothered by this right now.” “I shouldn’t be this frustrated.” “I should have done this.” “I should have done that.”

       When the hell did we become so critical? What happened to worrying about OTHERS judging us? Now we gotta worry about ourselves too? Christ. We are in trouble here.

       We don’t need to put parameters, limitations, rules, or requirements on any of our actions, emotions, or lives. You over-reacted, you under-reacted, you yelled, you cried, you spoke too much, you didn’t speak at all, you were vulnerable, you stepped out of line, you didn’t step up at all, you were in a funk, you weren’t yourself for a moment, you pulled an attitude....OH WELL.

       Don’t forget the most obvious fact, we are human and no one is perfect. We are all allowed to have our moments. I am giving us permission.

       All we can hope for is that we surround ourselves with people who DO NOT judge us and can love us during our bad days and with our flaws and all. If you have that you’re lucky, if you don’t have that...well I suggest you better get to finding it.

       Embrace your flaws, embrace your “bad” moments, embrace your emotions...and try to embrace them in others as well. Use it as an opportunity to improve yourself, be a better you, and laugh at yourself once in a while. Every day, every moment, every interaction and encounter is a chance to better your life. So don’t judge yourself because on judgement day there will be a line of people ready and willing to do that for you. And remember, there are nearly 7 billion people in the world to judge you...don’t add one more to the bunch.

"Can't Shoot Me Down" -Song

Working on some solo projects. Here is one of my latests.

Do Not Wake Up

       Are we the helpless victims of society’s standards?

       I mean look at us...most of us working jobs that we do not like and some of you are still in college working and studying for a standard corporate job once you graduate.

       Since we are in diapers and K-Swiss light up sneakers we are encouraged to go to college, then maybe grad school, then go get a corporate job, wear a suit, get a salary, 401K, and benefits. And hey, that isn’t bad if the company is great, you love what you do, and you get paid what you feel you’re really worth. But how many of us really feel this way? I think I speak for most people in saying that a majority do not. 

       In our society this is what is expected of us. When did these rules and expectations get put on us? And when in the hell did we wait in line to sign up?

       To not be completely closed minded I’ll say that perhaps there are some people whose goal is to be a successful business person at a prestigious company. Things like a salary, benefits, medical coverage, full-time hours, and a consistent paycheck are all good things, but I have one important question for all of you...What about our dreams? 

       I'm on to you average Americans. I see you with your Sharp alarm clocks waking you up every weekday at 6 AM. I see you at Donkin Donuts in the morning with your iced latte and your everything bagel, toasted with cream cheese. I see you next to me in rush hour morning traffic, half falling asleep. I've probably given you the finger once or twice on my occasional "almost late" route to work. And you know why I'm on to you? Because I am one of you. The only difference is I am not average. I may look like an average American but I am above average. You want to know why? Because I am putting time aside for my dreams and aspirations, and I make sure I keep my passion, creativity, and livelihood alive.

       We get caught up with what is “easy”, “expected”, “mediocre”, and forget about our REAL aspirations in life. Let’s be honest here, most of us are settled in a career situation as I previously described and we fill our minds with endless excuses to justify our normalcy and our “ok” situations that we are currently in.

       “I’m so busy”, “I’m too tired”, “I don’t have enough money to do it”, “That’s a dream...what I do now is more ‘realistic’, and so forth. I love a quote that George Clooney says in one of my favorite movies, “Why do kids admire athletes?....Kids admire athletes because they follow their dreams."

       Why do we belittle our own dreams? And why do most of us think that only “special” people really “live out” their dreams? Well let me tell you, I refuse to think that we, myself included, are not “special” enough.

       And as far as excuses go, excuses are a way to make ourselves comfortable, to justify our fear of stepping out of the “norm”, perhaps a distraction from our fear of failure, or even to justify our laziness in attempting to work toward the things we dream about doing.

       As cliche as it sounds, we only live once. Do you really want to look back on your life later and realize you never followed any of your dreams? ...My guess is no. Don’t settle for the norm if it is not what you truly want. Some people may be okay with the norm, but I sure as hell am not.

      I am very glad I went to college and educated myself. I wouldn't trade that for anything. The experiences I had, the people I met, the things I learned, and the nights we all got to lock away in our box of memories was well worth every minute and every dime (which are many) that I spent.

       If anything...I am smarter, wiser, and more knowledgeable to go do the things I WANT to do. It doesn't mean you have to be stuck doing what is "expected" of you. And I understand we all have bills to pay and we can't all just up and quit our day jobs to go be superstars in the big city. But what I am saying is don't let your dreams just fade and die. And not everyone wants to be a big movie star or a famous painter. Some people's dreams are to own their own restaurant, publish their own cookbook, come out with a makeup line, become a fitness instructor, own a pee wee football league, or even raise a family.

       Whatever your dreams may be, small or large, there is no reason in the one life we are given to not go pursue them. Work your job...but make sure you're making time to work on your craft and reach for the goals you really want to achieve. You'll never "find the time"...so you must MAKE the time. And as corny as it sounds, the time is now. Make the time for your dreams now, so hopefully later you can do what you really love to do. Maybe if you give it enough time here and there when possible, one day you'll be able to do devote your full time hours to what you REALLY want to be doing.

       I will not be hypocritical and I want you to know that I am following this theory myself. What I really love is writing/singing music and writing about life for others to read and find comfort. I have made it a point this year to work on my music more than I ever have. I made a decision months ago to really commit to doing it and believing in it and things are moving along. It involves a lot of hard work and devoted hours alongside my full-time job and the rest that life entails, but I'm MAKING the time to do it. I promise myself that if all goes well, within a year I will have a real CD with my name and picture on it to hand to my friends & family and any open-minded strangers alike. And it may not make it to the Billboard Top 100 but I'll be damn proud and I know for a fact anyone listening to it who appreciates music will enjoy it and will be willing to play it in their car as opposed to the repetitive top 40 songs on the radio. Not to toot my own horn but with the shit I hear on the radio/TV/online that is making it big, I really believe that if my music got in the right hands that I could really be heard... and I have no shame in believing that...if I don't believe in it, who else will?
       Oh, and believe me, there will be haters and "dreamstealers" like my friends and I like to call them. Ignore these people, for they only try to crush your dreams because they do not believe in their own.

       Also, I plan to one day start my own business in something I really enjoy and I've sat and made specific plans on how to go about doing it. And I started this blog because I love to write and that is one of my aspirations...and can you believe people are actually reading this thing!? ;)

       The point is...life is too short to spend years of your life not devoting any of it to something you dream of being or doing. Believe in yourself and don't waste your dreams on sleep. Make a decision today to devote your life to keeping your dreams alive. So, do not stop dreaming...no matter what time schedule you're on, no matter who tries to shake you awake, no matter how many times your alarm goes off...DO. NOT. WAKE. UP.

Original Music For Your Ears

This is one of my first full songs that I completed several months back. "Tug of War". Working on more solo work as we speak and will be keeping this updated!

This is a recent collaboration I helped my old friend Paulie Russo do for his debut album. It's called "Put It Down". Support fun, original music and keep the dreams alive!

Excuse me, I believe you have my stapler...

       I always found the movie “Office Space” to be hilarious, but it was the other day while sitting in another long day of corporate meetings at work that I suddenly realized what inspired Mike Judge to write this film.

        Working in the corporate world is something many of us do. So I am sure I am not the only one who feels this way. For those of you finishing up college and looking forward to working full-time, you may not find your words of inspiration in this blog entry...just a heads up. For those of you in this similar situation and working in corporate America, you will most likely relate, and perhaps even feel like you wrote this yourself.

       When I graduated WVU I went through the dreaded but sometimes exciting and sometimes disappointing job search. This consisted of constantly signing in to Careerbuilder and Monster.com with some breaks in between to go grab a granola bar to fuel up for some more online searching. I was eager to start my career and to see some more green paper in my life.

       I finally landed a job and was as happy as can be. I bought some new pressed business pants, nice summer dresses, and patent leather high heels. I was ready to at least dress the part first.

       Although the commute was less than appealing (over an hour to and from), I got to work feeling determined and accomplished every day. I volunteered to help others, I stayed late, and kept busy at all times.

       Recently, I just had my one year anniversary as a full-time working woman and I noticed the other day that I am starting to feel unfulfilled at work and borderline miserable. And I’m not saying I’m miserable every day or a miserable person, but I am saying that work has gotten to a point of altering my mood and not necessarily in a positive way.

       I find myself mad at my keyboard and at times thinking I’m burning away my eyesight as I stare at mind-numbing documents on my HP desktop computer screen. I can’t stand the voice of the woman on the phone on the other side of me talking to someone about her recently purchased red area rug for her living room.

       And then it dawned on me....

       I realized that I am starting to hate practically everything about the corporate America lifestyle and all it entails. The free cheap coffee in the break room, pressed khakis, the colorful ties, the button up shirts, suits, cuff links, the noise the printer makes when it’s running low on ink, and waiting for the elevator. The ringing phones, paper clips, stapler refills, the sound of my manager walking by, laptop bags, brief cases, security badges, and the smell of Chicken Noodle Soup in the cafeteria. Uncomfortable computer chairs, wooden desks, manila envelopes and folders, filing cabinets, online databases, “out of office” e-mails, teleconference codes, projection screens, presentations, and early morning meetings. Appointments, calendar invites on Microsoft Outlook,  “Your mailbox is full” notifications, yellow highlighters, parking passes, Post-It notes, data, deadlines, research, file, save as, share, print, copy, past, select all, uploads, downloads, and workloads. Cubes, bland wallpaper, corner offices, tucked-in shirts and Monday through Fridays. 

       And aside from inanimate objects and in-office experiences, there then comes the bland, repetitive, annoyingly boring topics of conversation that these slaves to their wooden desk speak about. 

       The generic “How was your weekend?” with the overly used response “Too short.” Or talks about the 2 o’clock meeting, taking a “much needed vacation”, when the next holiday is, “Is it Friday yet?”, or the most annoying of all...the talks about the Goddamn weather. “It’s rainy,” “it’s cold,” “it’s hot,” “it’s windy,” “it’s muggy,” “it’s sunny,” “it’s gloomy”....It’s Goddamn annoying is what it is.

       I started calculating certain things time-wise as well. Trying to figure out how much of my fucking life I devote to this working situation. An average corporate American works the standard 8 hours a day, 40 hours a week. This turns to be 160 hours a month, which adds up to be 1920 hours a year, give or take a few holidays or vacation days. And now for the commute. As previously mentioned, I drive about a little over an hour to and from work which turns out to be over 2 hours a day, 10 hours a week, and 480 hours a year. Scary when you think about it huh? Unless you absolutely adore what you do, which many of us do not...this can be a very unsettling realization. I spend about 20 DAYS a year, just DRIVING to this place. Not only does this make me want to somehow purchase a jet pack, but it makes me want to find a new job. 

       I know I am a hard-worker, determined, and smart. I can do a lot of good things for a company...and I have for this one. It’s a good job and the paycheck is nice, but it’s hard when you’re working for the first year in the real world and you realize it isn’t the glitz and glamour you had imagined. I’m just hoping that as I become more successful and experienced, that I can find a job somewhere that I don’t have to be stuck at a desk for hours a day. No one went to college to get the “Office Desk” degree. I want to be out and about, meeting people and doing things. I studied Public Relations not fucking Cubicle Hell.

       Perhaps, this week was just a rough week at work. Oh well, this blog is for venting after-all. I shall utilize it for this purpose. I can only hope I can be one of those people that finds a job that allows for some excitement and creativity, because TPS Reports are not for me.
       ...Is it Friday yet?

Just Dive In

       The water looks calm, it’s relatively sunny out, and there is an amazing gift, first-place prize, best thing thats ever happened to you...waiting on the other side of this water. But you have no idea what creatures are lurking underneath or what they feed on, you don’t know how warm or cold the water will be, and you are certain you know how to swim, but last time you did you reached a point that you choked on water, barely could stay afloat, and nearly drowned to your death.....Would you take the plunge?

       I know not everyone may have a complex mind. Some people just go through the motions, not noticing too much, and can remain unstimulated by virtually everything. While others can think very deep into life’s big things and even it’s very minimal stuff. These people can analyze how a napkin sits in its holder, how the guy in the fedora at the next table at the coffee shop holds his morning brew (a double expresso with cream), and how many times the woman with the high-pitched voice in the next cubicle at the office has answered her phone in the last half hour.

       These people are very observant. They remember every word you said, they remember how you’re facial expression was last time you were telling them a funny story, they remember what shirt you had on when you came to pick them up for dinner, and they remember how raspy your voice sounded as you said goodnight to each other on the phone.

       This doesn’t seem to be a bad characteristic, trait, or skill to have...especially if you wanted to be a CIA agent or join your local police force. But in all seriousness, it can be a truly unique and amazing thing to have in your back pocket. 

       Unfortunately, this deep thinking, oddly amazing ability to remember things and true gift of analyzation....can be both a blessing and a curse. You can begin observing and analyzing your mind that is observing and analyzing, and things can get a little sticky. 

       In my experience with relationships, hearing my friends discuss theirs (yes, guys too), and in researching this very topic for this blog entry...I’ve concluded that some of us are 

allowing this trait to sometimes overcome ourselves and take hold of the reigns. Have we created a monster?

       When you are in serious relationship with someone and you are swimming in a sea of pure happiness, there may be a point that you reach where you look at yourself and you suddenly realize that your heart, your feelings, and your care...are no longer fully your own. You suddenly realize that you have taken your heart out, polished it up so it looks pretty, and put it on a silver platter with a bow on it and gladly handed it over to your special someone. Although this is a memorable and positive moment...for anyone who has been hurt in the past, or anyone who has this complex mind I speak of...this memorable, positive moment, can also be a bit scary. 

       And I honestly couldn’t pin-point the exact cause of this nervousness that people feel at that point. Sure, we can blame the ex-boyfriend for never valuing our ability to communicate, or blame the ex-girlfriend who never fully appreciated anything nice you did for her, and all the scars we all have from our past train wrecks. Or we can point the finger at all of our insecurities, whether it be with your physical attributes, your body image, your personality, your bad jokes or bad hair days, your lack of knowledge about a certain topic or lack of money, your family problems or your math problem solving. But can we really blame one thing? Is it a mixture? Or more horrifyingly...is it just us?

       I’d like to think there are reasonings behind this type of thing. And there more than likely are. Of course, we all love to say don’t let the past mold the present or the future. But hey, we can be completely moved on, happy and content with our current situation, and just be completely not in control of the fact that perhaps we might be a bit nervous. Nervous of someone seeing every tiny part of us inside and out, perhaps seeing ALL of our colors, and maybe not liking it. Nervous of getting hurt. And let me just let you all know. It’s okay! It is okay to be nervous about getting hurt. Shit, you just gave away the most valuable organ of your entire body and gave them the complete ability to either make it pump stronger and better than ever, or smash it into a million pieces....a reason to be a bit nervous, I’d say. 

       It perhaps is the riskiest part of a relationship. You plunge head first into something that is subject to change and does not come with a “Life-Time Warranty” sticker slapped on it. There is no relationship insurance, no back-up policy, no coverage. You are on your own. 

       Anyone who really, truly, deeply, cares about someone, is going to have a feeling here and there of worry...the worry of losing it.  Because most of us have lost something we cared about before, whether it be a relationship, a person, even your old dog from when you were little. And we know we don’t want to feel that ever again. So how do we stop our complex minds from over-analyzing it, observing a bit too closely, and drowning ourselves in our own mental pool? 

       Unfortunately, there is no cure. Although usually just a phase, this will just take some time and work on our personal growth. We have to just cut ourselves a break and realize that some people ARE good and will do right by you, and some people will love us for everything we are. Be confident in knowing that someone will love you for all your good and greatness, your hugs, your kisses, your ability to communicate, your appreciation, your laugh, your beauty...along with all your flaws, your bad hair days, your bad jokes, your hissy fits, your emotional times of the month, and they will truly obtain an appreciation for your unique, complex mind.

       Feelings, emotions, worries, nerves, anxiousness, possibilities, situations, anticipations, expectations, desires, wants, needs....ugh, it can all just be so much sometimes can’t it? But despite the complexity, not only of our minds, but of life, there is a place of simplicity. And thank God that there is. And the funny thing is, it’s usually that same relationship that brings you this simplicity, this happiness, and this wave of calm.

       Let’s not let our minds get the best of us. Sometimes you just have to ride the wave and confide in the fact that your experiences, knowledge, and trust in someone has brought you right to the place where you should be. Allow yourself to be okay with maybe getting hurt. Because maybe this one time, you won't be. Disappointment, hurt feelings, and broken hearts will be a possibility of nearly everything in life. So don’t let it take away even one minute of your happiness with someone. Especially someone amazing, someone who fought for you, and someone who has really exceeded all of your expectations and then some. If they were worthy enough to obtain your not-easily-accessed heart, if you had a huge smile on your face when you gave it to them after all you’ve been through...that should mean something right? ...Bottom line, they earned it.

       So if you’re at the waterway and on the other side is the possibility of even more happiness and greater things...without a doubt, take the plunge. Put on your best bathing suit and strap on some goggles. Leave the worry on the floor, take a few steps forward, take the deepest breathe in you’ve ever taken, one that makes your chest expand...and jump full force in. Because deep down you should know, if anything bad were to happen to you, if you ever needed help, if you needed someone to guard your life...they will be there to save you. 

       Sometimes you just have to dive in without knowing how deep shit is...

.....::::splash::::....

Toot Your Own Horn

       They say most people have a "mid-life crisis"...I say many people have a "beginning of life crisis."

       After graduating college I came back home to find myself worried about basically everything. I quickly realized that the blurry nights of drinking, fan-crazed football games, memorable late nights with friends, roaming the streets of West Virginia on a sunny weekend afternoon, and 2 AM Red Bull-induced public relation writing sessions...seemed to mask or distract me from the seriousness of life that I would come to realize on my arrival back home. As most of us know post-graduation, you begin looking for work, which in this climate can be as frustrating as finding a diamond in a bag of garbage. Once I did find a job I was thrilled with the notion of getting paid the most I've ever gotten paid at a job (obviously), and the company I landed a job with is a multi-billion dollar, fortune 500 company. Something to be proud of straight out of college, right?....I suppose.

       You start getting pay checks that you think are amazing. And rightfully so, they are. But I found myself obviously paying for EVERYTHING I do. My car insurance, my phone bill (that I constantly go over on), groceries, work clothes, going out, eating out, miscellaneous things I wanted like keeping up with my obsession with Nine West heels, my flat screen TV, my Macbook Pro, and the ultimate demon of my pocket...my college loans. 

       After one year into WVU and my dad paying for everything, I decided I wanted to and it would be best in the long run, to pay for the rest of college on my own. I'm hoping to God one day I'll feel like I did this all on my own and feel even more proud of myself.

       Next month will be my one year anniversary as a full-time, career-level, working woman. And last night I was discussing this on the phone with my best friend (who's also been working at a very prestigious company in NYC for over a year now) and we both realized we were having this "beginning of life crisis." I felt relieved to know that I was not alone in how I was feeling. We noticed that we were both comparing ourselves to other people that we shouldn't be, such as, people in higher positions in the workplace, people making more money, or people buying better things than us.

       And I find myself doing that recently. I want a better car, less loans to pay, more money in my savings account, nicer things, more gadgets and clothes and such. But why don't I stop and realize that I've barely been working ONE full year? How much do I really expect to happen in less than a year? Granted, I've always been an impatient person with things like this. And I find most people are. We want all of our dreams and hopes and expectations (and money)...well..now if possible please. But honestly, we must understand that it takes time to fulfill our dreams, to reach our goals, and accomplish our achievements, although we'd really love to snap our fingers and have it all in one clean swoop.

       Why do people (obviously myself included) focus so much on what they don't have over the things that they DO? Or why do people essentially forget their wonderful, notable, and great accomplishments and make themselves feel negative about the goals they haven't reached yet? Why don't we ever allow ourselves to toot our own horn anymore?

       TOOT TOOT! I mean look at me...I graduated from a well-known 4-year college that I absolutely loved, in a major I was actually really good at and fully enjoyed. I had great grades and made the Dean's List several semesters there. I was a member of the promotional team for the college radio station. I had a respected job at the state newspaper and had my articles on the front pages. I graduated college, with several very kind letters of recommendation, went on interviews by myself, studied and learned the process of finding a job...and found one within just a few months. And I was lucky enough to find one at a company people know and respect, that will look good on my resume for future career changes. My performance has been acknowledged at my job, which not everyone is fortunate enough to say. And yeah, it may not be a 6-figure salary, but I can pay all my bills, buy my work clothes, and pay for my groceries. I can treat my friends to drinks when I go out and not think twice about it. I can buy myself things I want and treat and pamper myself once in a while. Most importantly, I do not ask my parents for a dime for anything I do (and rightfully so, considering I'm 24 years old.) And not only am I working full time but I’m finally doing things I always wanted to do, like busting out these entries in my blog and writing and recording music. I mean, what the hell am I complaining about? If I only knew...

       I would say I have done a decent amount in one little year, so why do I do that to myself? And why do so many other people do it?...Why do we continue to compare ourselves to others more fortunate and quickly forget how fortunate WE are?

       Yes, it's human nature to continuously strive for better and want nicer things for your self and improve your life...but we must realize that there will ALWAYS be people with more than us. Now, are we going to continue to have thoughts about something that will inevitably, without fail, always leave us disappointed at our very own life situation?

       Keep in mind, there will always be someone better off than you...and let's not forget, there will also always be someone worse off than you. So how about we just stop the pondering, stop the comparisons, and be content with what we got going on right now?

       I will be the first to say, never stop bettering yourself or striving to improve your situation in life...but just don't forget to look back at the long dusty road you've just ridden on to get here and remember to give yourself some goddamn credit and smile.

       There's a quote a friend shared with me today that I truly loved and it proved to be very appropriate for this blog entry: "You're so mean, when you talk to yourself. Change the voices in your head...make them like you instead."

       And it couldn't hit more close to home on this topic. When did we stop encouraging ourselves and start being our worst critic? When did we forget how hard we have worked? When did we begin thinking we aren't good enough and forget how accomplished, intelligent, and great we truly are?

       And probably the most important question...When the hell did we stop being proud of ourselves?