No Wasted Talent

       Everyone dreams. Books are written about it, movies are made about it and people do it constantly in their daily lives.

       There are these very significant situations and times when I dream extra big. One of these times is during my 78 minute train ride into NYC. Something about it really inspires me. All the different types of people coming on and off the train, the sound of the NJ Transit Staff clicking peoples’ tickets, the passing scenery consisting of townhouses, swampy areas, little rivers, overfilled dumpsters, grassy fields, smokey factories, and shopping plazas. Aside from all of that I think the notion that I will be arriving in the Big Apple shortly is the most inspiring feeling about it. The visual of walking out of Penn Station and seeing the bright lights, honking cars, tall buildings, and the widest array of different types of people, is like nothing else in the world.

       For me, this trip gets the wheels in my brain turning. I feel like I should be a star. And even though everyone taking your order at the local brew pub is allegedly saving up for their “big break,” I just don’t feel too discouraged yet. I feel like I can do something great, although at times it can feel it’s as likely as winning the Megamillions Jackpot or winning big two times in one night in Atlantic City. But I’m sure it’s been done.

       My reason for being on the train on this day was a good one. I was on my way to the recording studio for the second time to finish a song that I am collaborating on with a good old friend of mine. The first time I was there I felt like I belonged. I felt more comfortable than a quiet Sunday afternoon drinking an Amstel Light on my couch.

       When I think about it, I’ve been singing and rapping (yes, rapping) since I was in middle school. I did every show the school had to offer. I sang, I danced. Now that I think of it, I was essentially a theater geek. In high school it got more serious and more frequent. In college I would sing and rap at parties, especially after a few Red Bull and vodkas. And I swear, there were plenty of times that random people I didn’t know would come up to me and be like “Oh shit, you’re the girl who raps right?” . . . Very flattering to say the least. It wasn’t until after college that I had a true epiphany.

       One night I was at a local bar and after a few drinks I realized everyone there seemed bored. It was a random Thursday night. I felt obligated to turn things around. I walked up to the DJ booth and I said “Hey, let me freestyle.” He looked at my 5’1, curly-haired self, standing there with my button up, skinny jeans, and boots, in utter confusion. He seemed hesitant. So I reassured him. “Dude, just put on a beat and give me the microphone. It’s dead in here.” He glared at me and said “Alriiiiight.” Almost as if I was walking into a lion’s den . . Little did he know.

       I held the mic up tightly in my right hand. The beat started. I started ripping every line that came to my head. Everything rhymed and everything made sense. (Relief). In the midst of my first performance I noticed people were looking at me with their arms raised and head bopping. “People were actually liking it?”, I thought to myself. I was filled with this overwhelming excitement, a true and natural high of all highs. I started walking around the bar still going, my friends behind me amping me up. I spit out the last line my drunken self could come up with and put the mic down on the bar. Performance complete. The 35 people at Park East just had the best live exclusive personal performance from Erika Alexa. I sat back at the bar drinking my light beer as if nothing had happened. I had several people come up to me saying how “awesome that was,” how they “couldn’t believe I had enough balls to do that,” and some even gave me their e-mails and were selling me on the idea of doing music like they were Ari Gold from Entourage. 

       It wasn’t until one guy said “You could be famous!” That it really hit me. All these years, every party, every car ride somewhere, every time I let my friends and random people hear me, I’ve never received negative feedback. I’ve had nothing but support and encouragement to do something with it. One of my favorite people once told me something I’ll never forget. “No talent should go to waste,” aka no wasted talent. I loved it.

       That night changed my life. I started networking, meeting people just as into music as me and made friends with very talented folk. I started writing more, practicing more, and focusing. I was and still am, on a road to perfecting my so-called talent. 

       And let’s not get it twisted, I am not trying to be anything I’m not. I’m no gangster (well not completely). But seriously, I am not rapping about shooting AK47s or bumping jams in my Aston Martin. Plus, I sing too. What I write has emotion to it and I talk about real things in life. Relationships, love, life, friends, with the occasional times I just have fun with it. And honestly, with people like Soulja Boy, Gucci Mane, Waka Flocka Flame, and Rick Ross on the radio, I sincerely find my songs way better...and I’d probably beat them in a freestyle battle on any given day considering they rhyme as good as a 4th grader.

       So there I was, staring out the window on the train, dreaming of someday people getting something out of my music. And yeah, maybe I won’t ever be the next Nicki Minaj and maybe not everyone will even give a shit. But what’s the harm in trying? Anyone who ever succeeded in anything had to try and work at it and perhaps overcome people telling them they’d fail miserably, right? I’m at least lucky enough to have great support from even greater friends. And at the very least, it’s fun to do. It’ll give me something productive to do with my time and relieve some of the daily stress of just merely living. 

       And no one can truly understand that until you’ve seen the priceless look of awe on your friends faces after you play them a song or hear your voice being blasted out of a $40,000 speaker unit in a NYC studio. No matter what, I am thrilled to do it, be a part of it, and do something I truly love. And probably the most important thing of all...my talent is not going to waste.

       Dream big and dream on. Because it’s better to dream, than live in a nightmare.

Life's Forbidden Fruit

       The famous concept of “you don’t know what you have until it’s gone” is popular for the fact that many have felt that way. But there is another angle to that. There are certain things in life that you may not know you wanted until they show up and come knocking at your front door with all the appeal in the world.
       I wondered to myself today if life purposely hands you things while you’re here that you want more than anything, but cannot and will not have. Like God (or whoever may be up there) is dangling a string of precisely what you want in front of your face from the sky and when you go to reach it He pulls it up frantically and bursts into laughter. Are we meant to have these tortuous perfections that are to be left untouched for the rest of our existence? And if we do get an opportunity to reach it or force ourselves through the protective barriers to it, will this great goodness we see turn out to be a flame of hell that will burn us to the stake? I mean after all, Adam & Eve were told not to eat the apple -- and we all know how that turned out.

       We live our lives in hopes of what is to come. When we are little we can’t wait to play outside without our parents permission or be able to stay out past 7 p.m. We get a little older and once we accomplish those things, we want more. We dream of our first kiss. Of earning our license, driving our own car. Getting our first paycheck, being able to order our first legal drink, maybe fall in love, and you get the idea. 
       Yes, we want these things. The difference is, we rest assured that we will one day obtain them. When we are 16 we know “Oh my God, just one more year and I’ll be driving.” When we are 20 we know “This time next year I’ll be out at a bar instead of sneaking beers into my parents basement.”

       Now what about the things we want so bad and it is completely unsure if you’ll ever even get a taste of calling it your own? Or even more horrifying, knowing...for almost certain...that you can see it, feel it, be by it, but no no no, you will never get it.

       What to do, what to do? Well, most would probably think “Well if you know you can’t have it, than move on and find other things.” Seems pretty simple enough to do, right? Wrong.

       We live in a society of proving people wrong, reaching for the impossible, and getting what we know we can’t have. I mean come on, some people would say the high they get off of obtaining something that they thought they’d never get, or were told they wouldn’t get, would be more profound than jumping out of an airplane in the middle of winter.

       And aside from that, what if it’s unique, special, rare? It’s like having the rarest diamond in the world on a necklace and having it in a box in your room and you can never ever wear it. But sure, you can pick it up, stare at it, feel it, you can even hold it up and have your Pier 1 Imports lamp make it reflect sparkles all over your bedroom walls. But you can never tell anyone you have it, or show it off, or ever even speak of it. 

       Now, would you have enough self control to lock it away somewhere so that you’ll never have to see it and be tempted or tortured by the overwhelming urge to run outside and tell the world? And even if you did lock it up, does that mean you won’t mentally be wondering about it all the time?

       And being human and all, do you really ever fully let go of that tiny bit of hope that maybe the world will change for you and you’ll be able to obtain it the way you want? After-all, we all hope. Everyone hopes they’ll make more money next year, or land that promotion, or buy that yellow Lamborgini one day. Or have a loving family, or backpack through Europe on 50 bucks and travel the world. Shit, most of us will still have hope we’ll be big movies stars or singers. And the good part is some of us will! But the rest will still live on that hope until they are using their walkers to get across the street to buy their pulp-free orange juice.

        I mean, hope is one of the most enlightening and natural feelings one can have. We prove the statement of “Hope is a good thing. May be the best of things. And no good thing ever dies.” So if hope never dies, than how do we shut off such a feeling that is so automatic and filled with nothing but good intent?

       Maybe these great things that knock on our front door, smiling at us, torturing us with their perfection and utter appeal are meant to test us. Maybe they are there to show us that we can live without them...and if possible, be happy without them. Maybe it’s a life test that you can’t necessarily pass or fail, but a test of strength.

       But who the hell knows, it could be a perfect imperfection. A masked devil in disguise. I mean, in the story of Adam & Eve, even the beautiful apple wound up to cause them nothing but trouble. With money comes problems, cars come accidents, hope comes disappointment, and love comes heartache. In fact, maybe the forbidden fruits are not forbidden because they appear to be perfect after all. Maybe...they are poisonous.

       But in the large scheme of things...it’s only by taking chances, defying the odds, seeing good and bad, and having trials of success and failure, that we ever really get anywhere in life, right? As they say, no good thing comes easy. And only great things come to those who wait or those who fight the good fight.

       If you have this amazing thing that you may not be able to obtain now...in the dog-eat-dog, shark infested, world we live in...if you don’t fight to get it than you best believe that someone else sure will.

       So I say, if it means that much to you, put on all your armor, grab all the weapons out of your arsenal and go full force ahead and fight for it. Life is way too short to let something great pass you by because you’re scared of the outcome. Either way you’ll come out alive and probably stronger...perhaps with a few cuts and scrapes. So fight to get there and try the forbidden fruit. It may be the best thing that ever happened to you.

       And if it turns out to be poisonous...they make antidotes for that now anyway.

Say It All Without Saying A Thing

This is me. I’ve got an extremely loud laugh and a quiet inner sense of strength. I say what’s on my mind without reservation. I wear whatever I chose, and it depends on my mood. When I cry, I cry hard. I’ve made grown men feel scared. I have a mouth on me. I’m undeniably obsessed with football. I sing in tune but I’m out of line. I blaze my own trail but I’ll still bring a map. I’ve had long term relationships accompanying short fuses, and most of the time I’m a sore loser. I hate being called feisty, even though I know I am. I get ridiculously into movies. This is me.

I sunbathe at the beach. I hated showers as a kid but love them now. I’m daring. I’m silly. I make mistakes but I’m pretty smart and witty. I work hard and try to rest easy. I have more common sense than a penny in a fountain. Don’t try to overstep me, because I’ll be one step ahead. I drink hard liquor and chase it with light beer. I get in trouble. I love my friends. I’m strong-willed but a weak arm wrestler. I love sunsets and hate spiders. I can talk to anyone but can’t talk myself out of a speeding ticket. I love eating eggs but you’ll regret egging me on. I listen to good music. I listen to bad music. I color in the lines and step over boundaries. This is me.

I’m nice. I’m mean. I eat a lot..feel fat, but I’m lean. I have a fear of heights but love roller coasters. I drive fast but I’m slow at waking up. I’m not a private investigator but I got a clue. I capture good photos. I grasp a concept then lose control. I fall in love and catch myself out of my mind. I’m over powering but underestimated. I understand others but I’m misunderstood. I’m intimidating, at times intrusive, and unapproachable. I’m kind-hearted and giving. When I make my friends laugh, I make myself happy. I live, I learn, I love, I yearn. This is me.

I’m a hopefilled romantic with an empty bottle of wine. I break the rules but follow the code. I want to grow old and stay forever young. Sometimes I cannot tell the difference but I know when shit’s the same. I try not to point the finger but I’ll gladly give the middle one. I’m out of control but in tune. I smile. I frown. I’m inside out and upside down. 

And I just said it all...without really saying a thing.

Welcome to a free, unlimited, personal, and all access pass to the unique, complex, intriguing place...I like to call...my mind. Do enter at your own risk. This is just the beginning....