Shameless

       A friend of mine sent me an article the other day that finally cured my months of writer’s block I had been having. (Thanks Danielle!) The article was about being emotion-shamed and how society has lost the appreciation for being open, honest, blunt, and completely out there with your raw and “unfiltered” emotions. This struck so close to home that I decided to write about it from my perspective.

       I have come to realize that in my life I have been consistently emotion-shamed. And I feel like a lot of my fellow heartfelt feelers (say that 10 times fast) feel the same way. You know, when you randomly text your friends in the middle of the night to let them know “I hope we always stay as close as we are right now”, when you finally spill your guts to that girl you’ve had a crush on at work and you’ve waited so long to say it you sounded like you were reading a monologue from the Notebook, when you cry profusely in front of your boyfriend as you tell him exactly why that thing over dinner just happened to “upset” you, when you hug your kid in the morning tightly for such a long period of time that it actually gets awkward for a moment and you may have pulled a muscle in their back, when you have a day when you just feel like saying hello to every stranger who walks by, and when you feel like the day has gone so wrong you decide to put on Coldplay on your way home from the grocery store and cry for a good 33 minutes. For some reason, this raw emotion isn’t appreciated the way it used to be.

       In the wake of technology and with more people staring at their Twitter feed and 135 comments about how Kim Kardashian’s dress from the Meta Gala resembled a floral couch, than actual human beings, I feel like society has grown to be afraid of true emotions. Crying is looked at as being a complete weakness (especially if you’re a guy), any showing of anger means you’re a psycho (especially if you’re a girl), being overly joyed and happy means you’re out of “touch” with the real world or hiding your “real emotions” about life, and God forbid you spill your guts to someone in all honesty...they will shoot you with a puzzled look as if you just told them you’ve never seen the movie the Godfather. (I still haven’t). And I know, this may not be everyone or every case...but come on, I feel like this is the generalized way of thinking that our society has adopted to a vast degree.

       I’ve had a couple friends (now ex-friends) tell me I’m too “aggressive” with my opinions (Geez, sorry for thinking I could openly express myself in front of you people). I’ve had an old boyfriend practically shun me every time I ever wanted to discuss “feelings” (YUCK! NO! Not Feelingssss!?) I’ve had strangers think I’m mysterious and unapproachable because I seem so “passionate” about how I feel about things. Ridiculous right?

       Since when did showing emotions and being open, speaking freely, and allowing yourself to show raw emotion become taboo? I must have missed that memo.

       While many people have conformed to what is more “preferably acceptable”, I have managed to stay passionate and open with my feelings. Thanks to my family who no matter how crazy I may have sounded, never judged me on my emotions. They have seen me at my worst and best, at my calmest and my craziest...without judgements or corrections. I have a few friends who have lasted me into my adult life that although poke fun at me for being “a feisty latina” from time to time, genuinely appreciate my outlook on life (thanks guys). And without a doubt, many thanks to my boyfriend J. Boy does he deserve a statue or plaque of some kind. I have gone from spewing out so many emotions and thoughts at once that I’m surprised he keeps up with me! He’s sat there and supported me through all my crazy ideas and my “early-life crisis” as I like to call it. Being in my mid-20’s I went through a couple phases on where I wanted to go with my life...from wanting to start a photography business to opening up a bakery and calling it “Sweet E’s” and then I finally landed on what I wanted to pursue (details to come later!)...and yet he still listens and supports all my passionate and heartfelt desires as if it’s the first time I’m bringing it up. He has seen me have melt downs (he always brings me 2 tissues and they are never enough) and has seen me so happy I was literally skipping in the living room as if I was the retarded Spanish Teletubby that didn’t make the cut to be on the show. Thanks for all of that J.

       So here I am. I am going to say what many people in my situation may be PETRIFIED to say...Are you sitting down? Ok good... “I am one big bag of emotions!”

       There I said it. I’m human. I think there isn’t enough emotions in the world anymore. Everyone is so busy hiding behind their cubicles, their iPhones, their Facebook pages and their front doors.

       In our home we say I love you a million times a day. I will tell my friends I love them almost every time I speak with them. When I cry, sometimes I cry hard, and I’m not ashamed of it. It’s also the type of cry that Kevin Hart will use in a stand up because you can barely understand what I am trying to say (sometimes I actually think about it while I am crying) and then I blow my nose into many tissues and attempt to Michael Jordan them it into our wastebasket and will find several missed shots on the floor the next day. When I am happy, I really embrace it. I will sing terrible Top 40 songs in the kitchen as I dice up some potatoes and I will also create MANY on the spot jingles about my dog. (Here is an example: “Hippo is the best, she’s better than the rest, I’ll rub her on her chest, cuz Hippo is the best!”....I guess you have to be there.) When I laugh, I make sure I am 100% in the moment and in that laugh whole-heartedly. When I’m mad, although I do try to calm myself down because that’s the right thing to do, I won’t make myself feel guilty for shouting a couple curse words or the once in a blue moon door slam. Fuck it. 

       When I visit someplace new, I really look around. I watch the people go by. I genuinely say hello and “thanks so much” and I REALLY mean it. I look people straight in the eye. I convey my sympathy for people in tough situations, I try to give sincere advice, I stick up for people I care about, I cry when someone is crying and I feel for them, I laugh at people’s sarcasm because I always appreciate a good sarcastic joke and when I say I’m sorry I always mean it. 

       When I went to San Francisco recently for a business trip last month, I found myself walking around and every so often taking a long, hard look around and taking a deep breath of air, as if I was inhaling the memory of that moment. And you know what the most interesting part is? Although I worked every day I was there, the only memories I have of the trip were non-work related. I remember my feelings standing on the Golden Gate Bridge, I remember the fun I had watching a bunch of break dancers having a great time entertaining all of us not so coordinated spectators, I remember the laughter I had with a guy on the street who began singing me a very funny song on his guitar as I walked by, I remember the taste of the Chicken Marsala I had at this amazing Italian restaurant, I remember how I felt when I woke up in the morning and threw open the curtains on the window and stared out at the city skyline at 7 AM. Now THAT is what life is all about. 

       As I grow older I realize that being emotional is becoming a rarity, and I’m going to hang tightly to how I am no matter what. And more importantly, you should too. This notion of needing to somehow always appear “cool, calm and collected” is ridiculous.

       I’m emotional. I’m open. I’m honest. I’m out there. I’m raw. I’m messy. And I am shameless. Sue me.