Original Music For Your Ears

This is one of my first full songs that I completed several months back. "Tug of War". Working on more solo work as we speak and will be keeping this updated!

This is a recent collaboration I helped my old friend Paulie Russo do for his debut album. It's called "Put It Down". Support fun, original music and keep the dreams alive!

Excuse me, I believe you have my stapler...

       I always found the movie “Office Space” to be hilarious, but it was the other day while sitting in another long day of corporate meetings at work that I suddenly realized what inspired Mike Judge to write this film.

        Working in the corporate world is something many of us do. So I am sure I am not the only one who feels this way. For those of you finishing up college and looking forward to working full-time, you may not find your words of inspiration in this blog entry...just a heads up. For those of you in this similar situation and working in corporate America, you will most likely relate, and perhaps even feel like you wrote this yourself.

       When I graduated WVU I went through the dreaded but sometimes exciting and sometimes disappointing job search. This consisted of constantly signing in to Careerbuilder and Monster.com with some breaks in between to go grab a granola bar to fuel up for some more online searching. I was eager to start my career and to see some more green paper in my life.

       I finally landed a job and was as happy as can be. I bought some new pressed business pants, nice summer dresses, and patent leather high heels. I was ready to at least dress the part first.

       Although the commute was less than appealing (over an hour to and from), I got to work feeling determined and accomplished every day. I volunteered to help others, I stayed late, and kept busy at all times.

       Recently, I just had my one year anniversary as a full-time working woman and I noticed the other day that I am starting to feel unfulfilled at work and borderline miserable. And I’m not saying I’m miserable every day or a miserable person, but I am saying that work has gotten to a point of altering my mood and not necessarily in a positive way.

       I find myself mad at my keyboard and at times thinking I’m burning away my eyesight as I stare at mind-numbing documents on my HP desktop computer screen. I can’t stand the voice of the woman on the phone on the other side of me talking to someone about her recently purchased red area rug for her living room.

       And then it dawned on me....

       I realized that I am starting to hate practically everything about the corporate America lifestyle and all it entails. The free cheap coffee in the break room, pressed khakis, the colorful ties, the button up shirts, suits, cuff links, the noise the printer makes when it’s running low on ink, and waiting for the elevator. The ringing phones, paper clips, stapler refills, the sound of my manager walking by, laptop bags, brief cases, security badges, and the smell of Chicken Noodle Soup in the cafeteria. Uncomfortable computer chairs, wooden desks, manila envelopes and folders, filing cabinets, online databases, “out of office” e-mails, teleconference codes, projection screens, presentations, and early morning meetings. Appointments, calendar invites on Microsoft Outlook,  “Your mailbox is full” notifications, yellow highlighters, parking passes, Post-It notes, data, deadlines, research, file, save as, share, print, copy, past, select all, uploads, downloads, and workloads. Cubes, bland wallpaper, corner offices, tucked-in shirts and Monday through Fridays. 

       And aside from inanimate objects and in-office experiences, there then comes the bland, repetitive, annoyingly boring topics of conversation that these slaves to their wooden desk speak about. 

       The generic “How was your weekend?” with the overly used response “Too short.” Or talks about the 2 o’clock meeting, taking a “much needed vacation”, when the next holiday is, “Is it Friday yet?”, or the most annoying of all...the talks about the Goddamn weather. “It’s rainy,” “it’s cold,” “it’s hot,” “it’s windy,” “it’s muggy,” “it’s sunny,” “it’s gloomy”....It’s Goddamn annoying is what it is.

       I started calculating certain things time-wise as well. Trying to figure out how much of my fucking life I devote to this working situation. An average corporate American works the standard 8 hours a day, 40 hours a week. This turns to be 160 hours a month, which adds up to be 1920 hours a year, give or take a few holidays or vacation days. And now for the commute. As previously mentioned, I drive about a little over an hour to and from work which turns out to be over 2 hours a day, 10 hours a week, and 480 hours a year. Scary when you think about it huh? Unless you absolutely adore what you do, which many of us do not...this can be a very unsettling realization. I spend about 20 DAYS a year, just DRIVING to this place. Not only does this make me want to somehow purchase a jet pack, but it makes me want to find a new job. 

       I know I am a hard-worker, determined, and smart. I can do a lot of good things for a company...and I have for this one. It’s a good job and the paycheck is nice, but it’s hard when you’re working for the first year in the real world and you realize it isn’t the glitz and glamour you had imagined. I’m just hoping that as I become more successful and experienced, that I can find a job somewhere that I don’t have to be stuck at a desk for hours a day. No one went to college to get the “Office Desk” degree. I want to be out and about, meeting people and doing things. I studied Public Relations not fucking Cubicle Hell.

       Perhaps, this week was just a rough week at work. Oh well, this blog is for venting after-all. I shall utilize it for this purpose. I can only hope I can be one of those people that finds a job that allows for some excitement and creativity, because TPS Reports are not for me.
       ...Is it Friday yet?

Just Dive In

       The water looks calm, it’s relatively sunny out, and there is an amazing gift, first-place prize, best thing thats ever happened to you...waiting on the other side of this water. But you have no idea what creatures are lurking underneath or what they feed on, you don’t know how warm or cold the water will be, and you are certain you know how to swim, but last time you did you reached a point that you choked on water, barely could stay afloat, and nearly drowned to your death.....Would you take the plunge?

       I know not everyone may have a complex mind. Some people just go through the motions, not noticing too much, and can remain unstimulated by virtually everything. While others can think very deep into life’s big things and even it’s very minimal stuff. These people can analyze how a napkin sits in its holder, how the guy in the fedora at the next table at the coffee shop holds his morning brew (a double expresso with cream), and how many times the woman with the high-pitched voice in the next cubicle at the office has answered her phone in the last half hour.

       These people are very observant. They remember every word you said, they remember how you’re facial expression was last time you were telling them a funny story, they remember what shirt you had on when you came to pick them up for dinner, and they remember how raspy your voice sounded as you said goodnight to each other on the phone.

       This doesn’t seem to be a bad characteristic, trait, or skill to have...especially if you wanted to be a CIA agent or join your local police force. But in all seriousness, it can be a truly unique and amazing thing to have in your back pocket. 

       Unfortunately, this deep thinking, oddly amazing ability to remember things and true gift of analyzation....can be both a blessing and a curse. You can begin observing and analyzing your mind that is observing and analyzing, and things can get a little sticky. 

       In my experience with relationships, hearing my friends discuss theirs (yes, guys too), and in researching this very topic for this blog entry...I’ve concluded that some of us are 

allowing this trait to sometimes overcome ourselves and take hold of the reigns. Have we created a monster?

       When you are in serious relationship with someone and you are swimming in a sea of pure happiness, there may be a point that you reach where you look at yourself and you suddenly realize that your heart, your feelings, and your care...are no longer fully your own. You suddenly realize that you have taken your heart out, polished it up so it looks pretty, and put it on a silver platter with a bow on it and gladly handed it over to your special someone. Although this is a memorable and positive moment...for anyone who has been hurt in the past, or anyone who has this complex mind I speak of...this memorable, positive moment, can also be a bit scary. 

       And I honestly couldn’t pin-point the exact cause of this nervousness that people feel at that point. Sure, we can blame the ex-boyfriend for never valuing our ability to communicate, or blame the ex-girlfriend who never fully appreciated anything nice you did for her, and all the scars we all have from our past train wrecks. Or we can point the finger at all of our insecurities, whether it be with your physical attributes, your body image, your personality, your bad jokes or bad hair days, your lack of knowledge about a certain topic or lack of money, your family problems or your math problem solving. But can we really blame one thing? Is it a mixture? Or more horrifyingly...is it just us?

       I’d like to think there are reasonings behind this type of thing. And there more than likely are. Of course, we all love to say don’t let the past mold the present or the future. But hey, we can be completely moved on, happy and content with our current situation, and just be completely not in control of the fact that perhaps we might be a bit nervous. Nervous of someone seeing every tiny part of us inside and out, perhaps seeing ALL of our colors, and maybe not liking it. Nervous of getting hurt. And let me just let you all know. It’s okay! It is okay to be nervous about getting hurt. Shit, you just gave away the most valuable organ of your entire body and gave them the complete ability to either make it pump stronger and better than ever, or smash it into a million pieces....a reason to be a bit nervous, I’d say. 

       It perhaps is the riskiest part of a relationship. You plunge head first into something that is subject to change and does not come with a “Life-Time Warranty” sticker slapped on it. There is no relationship insurance, no back-up policy, no coverage. You are on your own. 

       Anyone who really, truly, deeply, cares about someone, is going to have a feeling here and there of worry...the worry of losing it.  Because most of us have lost something we cared about before, whether it be a relationship, a person, even your old dog from when you were little. And we know we don’t want to feel that ever again. So how do we stop our complex minds from over-analyzing it, observing a bit too closely, and drowning ourselves in our own mental pool? 

       Unfortunately, there is no cure. Although usually just a phase, this will just take some time and work on our personal growth. We have to just cut ourselves a break and realize that some people ARE good and will do right by you, and some people will love us for everything we are. Be confident in knowing that someone will love you for all your good and greatness, your hugs, your kisses, your ability to communicate, your appreciation, your laugh, your beauty...along with all your flaws, your bad hair days, your bad jokes, your hissy fits, your emotional times of the month, and they will truly obtain an appreciation for your unique, complex mind.

       Feelings, emotions, worries, nerves, anxiousness, possibilities, situations, anticipations, expectations, desires, wants, needs....ugh, it can all just be so much sometimes can’t it? But despite the complexity, not only of our minds, but of life, there is a place of simplicity. And thank God that there is. And the funny thing is, it’s usually that same relationship that brings you this simplicity, this happiness, and this wave of calm.

       Let’s not let our minds get the best of us. Sometimes you just have to ride the wave and confide in the fact that your experiences, knowledge, and trust in someone has brought you right to the place where you should be. Allow yourself to be okay with maybe getting hurt. Because maybe this one time, you won't be. Disappointment, hurt feelings, and broken hearts will be a possibility of nearly everything in life. So don’t let it take away even one minute of your happiness with someone. Especially someone amazing, someone who fought for you, and someone who has really exceeded all of your expectations and then some. If they were worthy enough to obtain your not-easily-accessed heart, if you had a huge smile on your face when you gave it to them after all you’ve been through...that should mean something right? ...Bottom line, they earned it.

       So if you’re at the waterway and on the other side is the possibility of even more happiness and greater things...without a doubt, take the plunge. Put on your best bathing suit and strap on some goggles. Leave the worry on the floor, take a few steps forward, take the deepest breathe in you’ve ever taken, one that makes your chest expand...and jump full force in. Because deep down you should know, if anything bad were to happen to you, if you ever needed help, if you needed someone to guard your life...they will be there to save you. 

       Sometimes you just have to dive in without knowing how deep shit is...

.....::::splash::::....

Toot Your Own Horn

       They say most people have a "mid-life crisis"...I say many people have a "beginning of life crisis."

       After graduating college I came back home to find myself worried about basically everything. I quickly realized that the blurry nights of drinking, fan-crazed football games, memorable late nights with friends, roaming the streets of West Virginia on a sunny weekend afternoon, and 2 AM Red Bull-induced public relation writing sessions...seemed to mask or distract me from the seriousness of life that I would come to realize on my arrival back home. As most of us know post-graduation, you begin looking for work, which in this climate can be as frustrating as finding a diamond in a bag of garbage. Once I did find a job I was thrilled with the notion of getting paid the most I've ever gotten paid at a job (obviously), and the company I landed a job with is a multi-billion dollar, fortune 500 company. Something to be proud of straight out of college, right?....I suppose.

       You start getting pay checks that you think are amazing. And rightfully so, they are. But I found myself obviously paying for EVERYTHING I do. My car insurance, my phone bill (that I constantly go over on), groceries, work clothes, going out, eating out, miscellaneous things I wanted like keeping up with my obsession with Nine West heels, my flat screen TV, my Macbook Pro, and the ultimate demon of my pocket...my college loans. 

       After one year into WVU and my dad paying for everything, I decided I wanted to and it would be best in the long run, to pay for the rest of college on my own. I'm hoping to God one day I'll feel like I did this all on my own and feel even more proud of myself.

       Next month will be my one year anniversary as a full-time, career-level, working woman. And last night I was discussing this on the phone with my best friend (who's also been working at a very prestigious company in NYC for over a year now) and we both realized we were having this "beginning of life crisis." I felt relieved to know that I was not alone in how I was feeling. We noticed that we were both comparing ourselves to other people that we shouldn't be, such as, people in higher positions in the workplace, people making more money, or people buying better things than us.

       And I find myself doing that recently. I want a better car, less loans to pay, more money in my savings account, nicer things, more gadgets and clothes and such. But why don't I stop and realize that I've barely been working ONE full year? How much do I really expect to happen in less than a year? Granted, I've always been an impatient person with things like this. And I find most people are. We want all of our dreams and hopes and expectations (and money)...well..now if possible please. But honestly, we must understand that it takes time to fulfill our dreams, to reach our goals, and accomplish our achievements, although we'd really love to snap our fingers and have it all in one clean swoop.

       Why do people (obviously myself included) focus so much on what they don't have over the things that they DO? Or why do people essentially forget their wonderful, notable, and great accomplishments and make themselves feel negative about the goals they haven't reached yet? Why don't we ever allow ourselves to toot our own horn anymore?

       TOOT TOOT! I mean look at me...I graduated from a well-known 4-year college that I absolutely loved, in a major I was actually really good at and fully enjoyed. I had great grades and made the Dean's List several semesters there. I was a member of the promotional team for the college radio station. I had a respected job at the state newspaper and had my articles on the front pages. I graduated college, with several very kind letters of recommendation, went on interviews by myself, studied and learned the process of finding a job...and found one within just a few months. And I was lucky enough to find one at a company people know and respect, that will look good on my resume for future career changes. My performance has been acknowledged at my job, which not everyone is fortunate enough to say. And yeah, it may not be a 6-figure salary, but I can pay all my bills, buy my work clothes, and pay for my groceries. I can treat my friends to drinks when I go out and not think twice about it. I can buy myself things I want and treat and pamper myself once in a while. Most importantly, I do not ask my parents for a dime for anything I do (and rightfully so, considering I'm 24 years old.) And not only am I working full time but I’m finally doing things I always wanted to do, like busting out these entries in my blog and writing and recording music. I mean, what the hell am I complaining about? If I only knew...

       I would say I have done a decent amount in one little year, so why do I do that to myself? And why do so many other people do it?...Why do we continue to compare ourselves to others more fortunate and quickly forget how fortunate WE are?

       Yes, it's human nature to continuously strive for better and want nicer things for your self and improve your life...but we must realize that there will ALWAYS be people with more than us. Now, are we going to continue to have thoughts about something that will inevitably, without fail, always leave us disappointed at our very own life situation?

       Keep in mind, there will always be someone better off than you...and let's not forget, there will also always be someone worse off than you. So how about we just stop the pondering, stop the comparisons, and be content with what we got going on right now?

       I will be the first to say, never stop bettering yourself or striving to improve your situation in life...but just don't forget to look back at the long dusty road you've just ridden on to get here and remember to give yourself some goddamn credit and smile.

       There's a quote a friend shared with me today that I truly loved and it proved to be very appropriate for this blog entry: "You're so mean, when you talk to yourself. Change the voices in your head...make them like you instead."

       And it couldn't hit more close to home on this topic. When did we stop encouraging ourselves and start being our worst critic? When did we forget how hard we have worked? When did we begin thinking we aren't good enough and forget how accomplished, intelligent, and great we truly are?

       And probably the most important question...When the hell did we stop being proud of ourselves?

Ghosts of Life's Past

       The old tales of ghosts and goblins...Well, whether you believe in them or not, everyone definitely has things that tend to haunt them.

       Whether it’s an overly embarrassing moment in your life, yet another failed relationship, a time where you blatantly lied, or a moment you did something you regretted and now have guilt, you have life ghosts that may haunt you not only when night falls, but even when the sun is shining brightly. And not all “haunting” things have to be negative, even good times can haunt you...especially good times that are basically irrelevant now. Perhaps happy times with an old flame that has turned into a stranger, a time of smiles with someone who passed that you loved dearly, or an unforgettable night out on the town with an ex-friend. 

       And what about secrets, or private information you find out about someone? Perhaps someone you respect a lot, a friend, a colleague, a family member, or even a significant other. We all say “Oh, I don’t judge”. But in all honesty we all do to a degree don’t we? To “judge” by definition, is to form an opinion or evaluation. I mean, almost all of us are opinionated assholes deep down in our core. So regardless, even if you try not to, you have some sort of feeling or “opinion” toward pretty much everything in life don’t you? So that being said, no matter who is it, or what it is, inevitably we will probably “judge.” And not necessarily the “judge” that has a bad connotation associated to its name, but the actual definition of the word.

       Now we all have ghosts in our past. I think I could speak for nearly everyone in saying that no one has a past completely filled with cheesing smiles, cackling laughs, and fields of tulips. I mean everyone has things they may not be proud of, or regret, or wouldn't necessarily shout out at a business meeting or talk about on a first date. And especially if you are building a friendship with someone or a relationship with someone, it can be difficult to not let some of this information haunt you a bit. Usually these types of secrets, high confidential, or personal information you find out about someone, if it’s not how they donated $50,000 to charity or drove their grandmother to a doctor’s appointment, you might be a bit taken back by some of the stuff from their past. And unless you are friends with or dating a saint living on earth, this is an inevitable occurrence. 

       Like most things in life, this situation can go more than one way. The saying goes “what you don’t know won’t hurt you.” Let’s take a minute and think about what truth this statement really holds. Now, this person can hide these past ghosts from you and cover your ears from the horror stories like a child, but anyone who’s lived and anyone who perceives any emotion in other people will be able or smart enough to know that they are not receiving the full story, if any of it at all. We are all aware that every story has a beginning, middle, and end and almost always has a climax and a turn of events where the hero is brought down into trouble and usually overcomes it. But even the hero at times falls a bit short or perhaps falls and plummets to their death. It’s like watching an interesting movie and seeing the beginning and just skipping to the final credits. Aren't you curious what happens in the middle?

       The other option is this person tells you. They let you in on their past, good and bad, thick and thin. At least they care about you enough, and more importantly, genuinely trust and confide in you to tell you these things, right? Don’t forget, it’s hard to show someone all your past demons. And yes you may have to deal with a few things you may not love to hear. But wouldn't you rather know? Personally, I think knowing is better than not knowing. I want to watch the entire movie...and then decide if I want to buy it on DVD to keep forever.

       Remember, digging in the past will never really help your present or your future, especially with anyone you care a lot about. You can dig back there all you want, but you will usually come back with your hands dirty, feeling exhausted and grumpy, and it’ll still be there regardless if you tried to plug all the dark holes up with dirt. 

       The past is the past for a reason. It’s set in stone, not able to be erased, unchangeable, and quite frankly and most importantly, usually very irrelevant. So I say, hear the story, face the ghosts and goblins, battle off the demons, and then keep it pushing forward. Unless the person murdered someone or hijacked a plane of traveling infants, I’d say most things are forgivable, forgettable, or something you can cope with and move on, right?

       And don’t forget to look at yourself and remember that you’re not perfect either. Luckily no one is. So we all have something we can relate to each other with...the fact that we are all perfectly imperfect. After-all the past is what shapes us, molds us, educates us, changes us, and makes us who we are right at this very moment. Like I said, no one has a perfect past, just be grateful it’s made us the good people we are today, despite the few not so great things haunting us back there.

       So I say, take this time to appreciate those who have truly trusted you enough to let you see their past ghosts and to accept them despite their demons, despite their hardships, and despite their not so shining moments. Because we all have angels, successes, and star moments that we can display as well, and that hopefully outdo any negative ones.

       Also, keep in mind that when you trust someone enough to know all of your past, you wouldn't want them judging you completely either would you? No, I guarantee you wouldn't. Life is too short to let the past stagger your present or prevent you from moving into a wonderful future. What’s good about the present is that you can control it, unlike the past. And what’s good about the future is we all still have air in our lungs to be appreciative enough to have one! So let's make sure we make it count.

       Despite some of the ghosts and goblins...I think I like the excitement, suspense, and thrill of it. I mean after-all, who doesn't like a good scary movie anyway? If life is a movie, all of ours would be the first one of its kind.....a romance, comedy, family, documentary, mystery, fantasy, crime, biography, musical, thriller, suspense, horror, action, drama film. And I must say, I love the fact that we can have it all in one. I just want mine to have laughs overcome the cries, smiles overcome the frowns, solve a few mysteries, show my real self, kill the bad guys, withstand some explosions, dance to some good music, float in the clouds, survive the shootouts, save a few lives...and be lucky enough to have a really awesome handsome young stallion save me from all the chaos.

Endangered Trust

       The saying goes “Dance like nobody’s watching and love like you’ve never been hurt.” Granted, it’s a good concept, but does anyone really do that? I mean, you may dance a bit more freely after a few drinks at the club, but most would still tone it down enough, because we know people ARE watching. I’d say, the only time you’re going to dance like no one is watching, is when no one really is. And the same thing goes for love like you’ve never been hurt. Most of us are damaged due to the disappointments from ones we cared for, hoarse voices from yelling matches, and dried tears from cries of emotion. I’d say anyone loving like they’ve never been hurt...probably has not truly been hurt before.

       My theory is a bit different on this one. Like I’ve mentioned before, we live in a shark-infested world. Don’t get me wrong, I am not completely cynical about this but we all know, most people do not give a shit about you. Other than your family, close friends, and significant other, most don’t give a damn what you’re doing. And some of us unfortunately have had the chances of realizing that even these people might prove you wrong in trusting them. The world-wide discovery of backstabbing friends, cheating lovers, and deceiving family members has left me wondering...the value of trust is becoming endangered or quite possibly extinct. Like the Ivory-billed Woodpecker. 

       So I say yes, on occasion, definitely dance like no one is watching. Because even if you do you’re probably still in the clear, aside from a few embarrassing or slight regrettable moments. Just make sure you have fun while doing it and don’t fall over in your heels in front of the guy you like. 

       But I also say, I think it’s completely natural and actually quite healthy to love like you HAVE been hurt. We make it too easy for people to get in sometimes, that you leave yourself never quite fully sure that they would have fought to get in, if it turned out to be a bit of a challenge to do so. And I’m not saying be difficult on purpose. I’ll be the first person to tell you, follow your heart and go with your gut. But if your heart has been beaten to a pulp in the past, I’m just looking out for you in saying...put some bubble wrap around that bitch once it’s repaired, and let someone pop a few bubbles to get to it.

       I would rather have someone fight off a few barriers to get to me than leave the door unlocked and wide-open with a flowered “Welcome” mat out front. This turns out to be beneficial for everyone involved and I’ll tell you why. Well for you, you’ll know for sure that this person really cares about you, or else they wouldn’t have stuck it through to get to really know you. You’ll feel at ease knowing that they truly thought you were and are worth the fight. You will know that this person is worthy of obtaining something as fragile, valuable, and precious, as your heart. And for them, well they’ll know that you don’t just let anyone in, and that’s a good thing trust me. They’ll know that you are wise enough to protect yourself and in turn will protect them as well. And they will know that they are falling for a self-respected, intelligent, and emotionally-in tune person (which I’d hope is what they are looking for).

       And as far as the extinction of trust. The one’s who really really want you to trust them, will do what it takes to prove that you should. And it’s crazy how life works. I realized it can be a cycle of disappointment and then happiness. I mean, life is never perfect. There may be things that stay constant in your life, but life itself never is. And honestly, despite old flames that have left you with some burn marks, one day you may and can be lucky enough to find someone who actually cares. And hey, I’m not guaranteeing it will always work out. Nothing in life is ever for certain, and we are all aware of this unsettling but valid fact.

       Even when you are in a miserable place, or a boring place, or a confusing place, or a place of complete habit and every day seems as repetitive and basic as the last, when you meet the right person, the coming days will be different. You’ll find yourself enjoying little tiny things about life that you were too miserable or bored to notice before. Like driving on an average day actually really enjoying the wind blowing through the back window of your car, or walking down the street and breathing in the air and loving the fact that you can smell summer coming. Like waking up in the morning and driving yet another day to work and finding yourself laughing really hard out loud to the morning radio jokes or singing loudly to a Taylor Swift song at 7 A.M. before you’ve even had your cup of Dunkin' Donuts iced coffee. 

       Some people may really surprise you in life, and the things you thought were impossible to get, impossible to want, impossible to have...somehow and some way, become all of a sudden very possible. And being human, once we have something we’ve been waiting all this time for and everything seems perfect, we immediately worry about it being taken away from us. And yes, unfortunately there is the possibility that it may not always be there. But crazy thought here....what if, this one time, it stayed?!

       I say, the stock of trust has been in the negative for all too long, and I’m throwing my life savings into it now, because I have a feeling that things may be looking up. Take all the trust you have in those friends that have always had your back, the family members that have supported you and loved you, and the lucky ones who you’ve trusted enough to obtain your heart, and be more grateful now than ever. I know trust may be endangered, but we must not let it go extinct. Protect it’s habitat, protect it’s presence, protect it’s value. Trust in trust. 

       And if you are that person, who’s found this newly born trust and happiness. You may be wondering...“too good to be true."

       Well, I was once that person thinking that. But this time, I’m going with...“too good not to be true.”

Behind My Music

       Who needs to wait on VH1 Behind the Music or E! True Hollywood Story to tell my story for me? I’ll tell it myself.

       As some of you already know I finally made my public music debut a few days ago. And for those of you who didn’t know, you’ll have the opportunity to hear the song after reading this post.

       Music is a beautiful thing because it conveys emotions, stories, and experiences. And with the heart-felt lyrics and passionate delivery in my song, I got asked by many people “Well, what’s the song really about?”, “What was your inspiration behind it?” And I think because many people can relate to the concept of the song, that you all deserve to know, and perhaps not feel alone in your own life experiences. Because that’s another great thing about music, you can relate to it and feel comfort in knowing others share similar feelings in life.

       So my talented friend who I’ve been working with sent me the instrumental to this song on a Thursday night. I was so in love with it that I sat up in bed on my Macbook until 3 AM (on a work night), drinking wine and wrote the lyrics to the entire thing. The next day after work I went to meet up with him and recorded the song from start to finish. After only an hour and a half we were blasting it out of the speakers. And in his words “That was the fastest I’ve ever finished a song in one session.” ...I was proud.

       So after a week of him tweaking things on it I was waiting anxiously to get the finished product. I got the text while I was driving home from work that day - “Are you ready to bump out to your song?!”...I think I made the fastest time in getting home from work I ever have. I went that night to my friends house to create a Youtube video of it and then I posted it to Facebook and started getting views. And here we are now.

       After posting it, I had no idea how great the feedback would be and how much support I would receive. It blew my mind. Comment after comment and ‘like’ after ‘like’, my smile grew wider and wider. All the comments, all the texts from my friends, all the calls I received. . .Flattered is truly not the word. I want to take this time to THANK YOU, you know who you are. All my friends who have cheered me, supported me, rallied for me and encouraged me to put myself out there. I truly love you for that and you’ve giving me more than I can ever ask for. It is amazing how in life, at the times you may need support the most, everyone comes out and shines their light on you and you feel completely illuminated. I couldn’t thank you all enough.

       I went out to the bar last night and everyone I saw there commented on the song, telling me “We are all waiting on song number 2!” I almost wanted to cry in the happiness I felt from everyone being so supportive. It’s an amazing feeling that I’ve never been lucky enough to feel until now. And I plan on never taking it for granted.

       So, anyone who has heard “Tug of War”, would easily come to the realization of how personal and deep the song really is. And it’s not always easy for people to put themselves out there like that, but in life I’ve really learned to embrace it. Life’s too short to enclose yourself and hibernate. I enjoy showing my scars and wounds. I find myself obtaining some sort of pride and confidence in showing them. I mean, everyone has them anyway. A lot of people who have read my blog have personally come up to me to tell me how much they respect my writing and how they appreciate having something to read and actually relate to. Well that is another reason I will continue doing it. Forget being discrete. Too many people sugar coat everything. No sugar coating here, I’m going to give it to you unsweetened this time.

       Relationships are something that every single person experiences. So it’s a popular and great topic for music. It brings out the bad in you, the good in you, the confused in you, and an array of different feelings, emotions, and memories. As I’m in my mid 20’s, I’d say that mainly everyone around this age has at least been in love, or felt some kind of love in one or more of their relationships they’ve had so far. And if you haven’t yet, I’d say that despite the shitty experiences it can bring at times, that you’re missing out.

       Everyone’s reached a point in a long-term relationship where you find yourself staring out during a heated argument, an awkwardly silent dinner date, or dry phone conversation and think to yourself “How the hell did we get here?” .  . . Good question. How did we get there? Well, I’ll tell you. 

       You perhaps reached a point where you’ve cursed at each other a few times in the midst of a bad argument, which then turns into freely cursing at each other and it having no real effect anymore. Or maybe you reached a point where you’ve done something to lose trust, which leads to faulty assumptions, accusations on each other, and constant questioning. Maybe you’ve come to a point where you’ve caught them flat out lying to you, which turns to resentment and bitterness. Or hey, maybe that spark just isn’t there anymore and you don’t really know why, and you’ll find yourself constantly searching high and low for what went wrong. Or maybe it’s been so long with ins and outs, ups and downs, and going back and forth to lead into total inconsistency that you find yourself in a whirl-win of complete confusion. And although it took a couple of years, I...was at a point like this.

       We all know people who complain about their relationship constantly, or you have that friend calling you weekly crying because they are always getting hurt, or the couple sitting at dinner not saying a word the entire meal, as they secretly despise the other’s breathing patterns. And yeah, that may not be you. But everyone’s been at a point where you’re asking yourself more than once “Is this really right?”

       I have sincere advice to those in this predicament or getting over a similar predicament. There is hope. And I promise you, even if you feel you’re standing alone in the middle of a completely dark and scary tunnel, that there is light at the end of it. If you feel lost, if you feel crushed, or your spirit is broken, or you have lost all faith in your own fucking happiness, there will be a day where you no longer feel this.

       Loneliness is to blame for many people going back to the same person that they know is wrong for them. You constantly focus on the “good times” (that if you really think about it, are no longer that recent anymore). You absolutely can know if the bad times are outweighing the good, whether you try to look on the positive or not. I beg of you to ask yourself the simplest question of them all, “Am I happy?” And if you have to even remotely think about it, ponder it, hesitate, or find that your justifying yourself. Than you should know your answer. 

       And especially after it has been a long while, you feel even more obligated or empowered to prove to yourself that it can work. That’s good to a degree, but it is a fine line that can head directly toward resentment and honestly, time wasted. Everyone deserves effortless and true happiness. If you find yourself struggling to barely make it through a week of being happy and not arguing with someone, than please do BOTH of you a favor and maturely move on. Happiness should not be a chore, it should be natural and present without large effort. Think vacation...not work. And once you free yourself of this burden, you will allow yourself the possibilities of ideally finding someone who it will be effortless with.

       I was once in that dark tunnel, confused, bitter, lonely, and lost. And that same tunnel is brighter than ever and now lined with LEDs that have been installed. I feel more mature and after all the pile of mistakes, I am humbly grateful for the experience because I now fully understand what I am and am not capable of dealing with in a relationship. Like anything in life, you live and you learn. You better yourself. So cherish the growth of it all, at the very least. I appreciate and respect what I had, but in life, sometimes things don’t work out and you have to just accept that and realize there are other good things in store in your future. I feel more excited about life and more inspired to write on this blog and make my music and more importantly, inspire others, than I ever have before. 

       Remember, life is too short to waste time being unhappy. You want to fight for things in life, but don’t turn it into fighting yourself. Go with your gut. Go with what you know is right for you.  And then...and only then...will you truly be able to find happiness. And don’t be scared to put yourself out there. Display your emotions, show your wounds, and wear your scars with pride, because after-all, like they say, they didn’t succeed in killing you.

"Tug of War" - Erika Alexa

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-bZL1wnMC1s